The Betty Crocker Cult

Badger Girl, Grand High Ladle, BCC

For the edification and entertainment of all, I am letting you all see one of the rarest pieces of modern ritual literature today.

What Do Betty Crocker Cultists Believe?

For all intents and purposes, Betty Crocker Cultists believe whatever I, the Grand High Ladle, tell them to believe. The B.C.C. is a cult in the truest sense of the word, with one infallible leader, me. For indeed it was I, Badger Girl, who received the word of Betty, when I least expected it, right in the middle of an episode of the French Chef.

Thrust as I was, right in the middle of pagan controversies of all stripes, it was clear to me that there was something missing in our community as a whole. That thing was the Kitchen. Not just food, you see, but the Kitchen, with all of its wondrous utensils, appliances and storage capacities. I knew this to be the answer to many of today's modern pagan problems. Betty told me so. "Go forth to the stove" said Betty, and go forth I did, taking most of the women (henceforth to be known as "Ladies") of Green Man Grove with me, as I hate to eat alone.

And lo! Many splendid things did befall us as we cavorted amidst the Tupperware. Betty spoke to me as we did, and she sai, "Now you're cookin', kid!", and of course, She was right. Soon we all tired and Betty took advantage of the situation (as is Her way) to tell us of her many colleagues in the world of the "Other Kitchen." She spoke of Oscar Meyer, patron of fathers in the Kitchen, also She spoke of Little Debbie, Goddess of cellophane wrapped snack foods. the tale of the Pillsbury Doughboy (Poppin' Fresh, to the initiated), the God of phallic foods that go "Fuff" was revealed to us, as well as the story of Mrs. Paul, Queen of the Frozen Seas. Betty then bespoke of the twin deities of the most sacred barbecue flame, Lee & Perrin, and also of Aunt Jemima, keeper of the Holy Syrup (and it was good!). Finally Betty told us of that most well preserved of holy mean, Earl Tupper and we were silently awed by the miracle of the Burp Seal.

Surely did Betty talk a blue streak that fateful day! Then Betty told me that She had chosen me to be Her Grand High Ladle on this earthly plane, and to gather around me all the minions I could strong-arm into the Cult. "You and your initiated minions shall be know to the world as "The Dash Board"!" said Betty. Betty then explained the hierarchy to be adhered to within the Cult. The lowest initiates being the "Cups" and all higher initiates gradually getting smaller and smaller until achieving "pinchdom" if not actual "dashery." And so, I said unto Betty, "Sounds good to me!" and she seemed well pleased.

This is how I became the Grand High Ladle. I am chosen by Betty to lead you to the Kitchen and get you all cookin'. If you choose to follow, it will be by my say so and the approval of the Dash Board. The initiation will be grueling and with any luck, really intimidating. You seeker, may have finally come to the right place, then again, maybe not, only I can be the judge of that.


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