This is the current compiled works of MOOism as written by those who really should know better - The Apostles of MOO, and compiled, edited and formatted by the Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101 (who claims no responsability for the contents thereof). It was then taken by Floyd Gecko, High Preest of MOO, and shamefully edited beyond all recognition. Finally taken by Half-Mad, Grate Prophet of MOO, and hacked up into the format you see here. This Great Book of MOO is dedicated to the prettiest one. Ekeinos Biblios Estin Kallisti.
Note: Many of these have been edited by other MOOists. But, as some have been edited a lot, we won't bother listing the editors. The words you see here may, or may not be the words of the original author. Nobody knows.
It has been said that King Kong died for your sins this *has* been confirmed
Warning: Do Not Use This Document As Toilet Tissue!!!
as written by
the High Preest of MOO
Floyd Gecko the deranged
Syntax and general guidelines for MOO grammar:
1) MOOism and MOOist are the only "ism" and "ist". This is because
all the main problems of the world are blamed on "isms": the
communists blame them on the capitalists, and vice versa. The
anarchists blame it on the fascists, everyone hates consuerism,
and sadism is thought to be a horrible thing. So, all others
besides MOOism and MOOist, and which we do not specifically
approve, are replaced by "BLATT" for "ism" and "BLATTT" for"ist".
2) MOO is always in caps. This is because I say so, and I'm the High Preest.
3) Typical spellings are with 2 "O"s and no "!", with one "!", with 3 "O"s and 2 "!"s and so forth. Other variants, such as the "as many O's as you can write before you get tired of it" variant may also be used.
4) Some patterns you may care to note:
MOO OMM (This is Floyd's discovery, and typical MOOist logoff)
The MOOist symbol, named the Halfy after Halfy, our Grate Prophet,
is a V with a mark inside. Often MOO can be spelled out with
little letters. I like to do this with O's for the "M" and M's for
as written by the High Preest Of MOO, Floyd Gecko the deranged
MOOists support: happiness, freedom, equality, cannibalBLATT, free sex, anarchy, environmentalBLATT, bureaucracy-toppling, bureaucracy supporting, socialBLATT, anarchy, free sex, free sex, and more free sex, a bit more anarchy, flour, eggs, baking soda, and milk.
Mix thoroughly all dry ingredients stirring rapidly. Throw in some pyromania, paranoia, general insanity and a bit more free sex just to be on the safe side. Add liquid ingredients and beat for a while.
Now add some bestiality, necrophilia, and sadBLATT... or am I just overly into sado-necro-beastiality here?
as written by the Elite High Councilors of MOO, the Cardinal Richelieus And The High Preest
There are several subdivisions of MOOism. The First is the religion itself:
The many-leveled being of MOO has been explored in a multitude of ways, and some would seem to indicate that not all the tiers of MOO are equal, and are in fact distinguished by name, rank and membership requirements.
as written by the Elite High Councilors of MOO, the Cardinal Richelieus
These are the Commandments of MOO as drawn from the many Books of MOO and here set down in a concise format. Prosecutors will be transgressicuted.
as written by High Preest of MOO Floyd Gecko the stupid
THE OFFICIAL GAMES OF MOO
There is nothing quite so important to a MOOist after a hard day of having fun as kicking back, relaxing, and then playing a good solid game. After all, how else can we remind ourself that Eris made the world to play with. Why shouldn't we do the same?
So, without further ado, here are the official games of MOO, which may be considered as daily worship. Of course, anything else that's lots of fun is also worship, but hell, why not try some of these first, eh?
BOOKS OF THE APOSTLES
Book of Halfy
Chapter 1. (What Happened?)
Chapter 2. (Book of Lousy Conversations)
Chapter 3. (Book? What Book?!!?)
Book of Floyd
Chapter 1. (Book Of Proverbs)
Chapter 2. (The Book Of The High Preest's Folly)
Chapter 3. (The Book of MOOfests)
Chapter 5. (The Book Of The Tundra)
1: The High Preest did say to his vaguely following followers the following words:
2: You ask, oh followingly following followers, the following question: what the hell happened to the Tundra?
3: I shall tell you, oh followers, and attentest thee well, oh you in the back, for I can see you falling asleep.
4: Oh recall, friends, how in the gospel accordion to Saint Yari the Tundra was destroyed by the Great MOO, well this is the fuller-than-that-but-still-pretty-damn-empty story.
5: In the beginning was the Game, and the Game was Nomic, and the Game grew bored of playing all on it's own
6: And the Great MOO created herself retroactively.
7: In this great retroactive creation was made the Game itself, the Great MOO, and nothing else.
8: But soon, I tell you, the Great MOO became bored, as behooves a Goddess with nothing to do.
9: And so it came to pass that the tundra and the Penguins were made.
10: But even so, the Great MOO did yet again become bored. So the Explosion was made to happen, albeit a bit reluctantly.
11: And so was the tundra shattered into an incredibly large number of teeny tiny bits.
12: As told in the Gospel Accordion To Saint Yari, one of these was round, and was called The Universe. In it lay The Earth, which was also round.
13: And this Earth was given to Eris, as told in a sec, so don't go away.
14: Another of the bits was taken by the Primordial Penguin and in it were made the brood of Second Generation Penguins. And one of these was Jehovah.
15: And the Second Generation Penguins did flee to Earth and live in Antarctica, along with Jehovah.
16: And the son of Jehovah, being half-human and half-penguin, was named ChrBLATTT (misnamed Christ) and verily, oh my friends, he was nailed to a tree.
17: What a sap.
18: And another part of the Tundra was Void-Shaped, and the Great MOO did call it the Void, because the Great MOO wasn't one to muck about with stupid names for things.
19: And out of the void were created, through the eternal wrestle of the Void with itself, Eris and Aneris.
20: And Eris did take The Universe as her plaything, for she was daughter Goddess of the Great MOO, and that was her right.
21: And Aneris did mope, but found another bit of the Tundra to play with, and it was called Aneris's Plaything, on account of Aneris didn't screw around with dumb names either.
22: Aneris's Plaything was a bit of the Tundra which happened to be extremely boring.
23: Yet another bit of the Tundra was formed by the Great MOO by Nomic Rule Number (Extremely High Number) into BOB, her first son.
24-28: [Consult information on BOB elsewhere in this book, or any person belonging to the Church of the Sub-Genius.]
29: One bit of Tundra was formed by the Great MOO into QUACK, but we don't like to talk about him.
30: And QUACK did gain his followers on the Earth.
31-34: [Consult the Book of QUACK for info on QUACKBLATTT.]
35: Verily indeed at the time of the making of QUACK did the Great MOO turn her attention unto The Earth, and made Cow into her own image.
36: And the Humans, who were ugly were-slugs, did crawl out of the sea to see what was going on.
37: Truly was the Great MOO disgusted to see humans, so as a joke she made a committee to design a new form, and the committee was called Prophet Of MOO.
38: And the Prophet of MOO did create beer and draft and did eventually design the form of humans, while thinking itself to be a human as well.
39: And another bit of Tundra was the Hot Dog. But it got eaten.
40: A bit of the Tundra which was shaped like a Fire Hydrant, and was consequently named the Fire Hydrant, fell to the Earth, and split open, and there was truly a great floyd. Uh, I mean flood.
41: And Jehovah, seeing that the flood might destroy his world, did warn a man named "Noah" and his wife "Priscilla Presley" of the flood, and they did gather animals in a great boat.
42: And Jehovah did wrestle with the Fire Hydrant for forty days and forty nights, looking extremely silly.
43: Because the sight of a Fire Hydrant wrestling a Penguin was so silly, the Fire Hydrant became a great Icon of MOO, and many small models were built along streets and in cities, and they were worshipped by MOOists with a mutter of MOO.
44: Noah's wife, Priscilla Presley, was born again to the same name, many thousands of years later, but forgot all about the business with the boat.
45: (TOP SECRET)
46: And a shower of infinitely many dust particles from the Tundra did become named Souls.
47-55: [Consult Book of Really Secret Secrets for info on Souls] 56: And there were a whole bunch of others too, but I'm getting bored of explaining it to you. There were infinitely many of them, so there isn't really room here.
57: But truly were many Penguins survivors of the Great Explosion, and being birds, they swallowed some of the Souls.
58: And many of these swallowed Godlike Souls of five or six levels higher than humans.
59: And these became Gods, with such names as Jupiter, Zeus, Odin, Hera, Athena, Venus, Tsuliwaensis, and many many others.
60: And one of these, whose name was, boringly, God, made a bet with the others, and was reincarnated as a Human, the lowest form of life they could think of (also the one that came out of the hat, but that's another story).
61: And this God instantly changed his name to something much longer, and did become the Great Prophet of MOO.
62: And the High Preest, well, that's another story entirely.
63: So spake the High Preest, warning that this whole story would be repeated later in simplified format for the guy in the back.
64: For the guy in the back had, against all warnings, fallen asleep.
Chapter 6. (The Book Of Vague Threats)
Chapter 8. (The Book Of The Penguin)
Chapter 9. (The Book Of The Saints)
Chapter 40. (Book of Inane Comments)
Chapter 41. (Book Of Cow Catapulting)
Chapter 42. (The Book Of The Trial Of Quack)
Chapter 666 (The Book Of Revelations)
Book of Hellhound
Chapter 1. (the Book of the rising MOO)
Chapter 4. (the Book of rituals)
Chapter 5. (the Book of the Dealings of the Hound)
Chapter 7. (the Book of the Cow)
Chapter 13. (the Book of trials and heresies)
Book of Leper
4: And when MOOists shall gather, great fires shall announce their presence.
Book of MOOses
* * * ** *** ** *** *** *** *** * *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** *** *
BOOK OF THE RITUAL STUFF
These rituals are to be performed at MOOfests, warships... uh, WORSHIPS (well, warships will do as well) or whenever you feel like it. Or not, if you don't want to, though failure to comply will result in not having fun, and Floyd not giving you any mints unless he's feeling generous.
1) Communion Ritual
MOOists shall commun with the Grate MOO through the Grate Prophet of MOO.
2) The Gun-A-Jump Ritual
This is most effective in large groups. You stand at the FOOT (bottom) of a large building in a group, and shout: "I'm gonna jump! I'm gonna jump!" A person planeted on a ledge above will shout down: "Don't do it! Don't do it!" Continue until bored, or arrested for being a pain.
3) The Muk-Funna-MOO Ritual
In this ritual, you simply make fun of MOOism in a non-pain-in-the-ass way. Also included as a subgroup of this ritual are making fun of any other thing that occurs to you, such as any of the major heresies, the Civil Service, or popular cartoon characters.
4) The Sey-MOO Ritual
This is the simplest of all the rituals, as it involves merely saying MOO as loud as you can manage, or as you feel like at that time.
5) The Bal-Oon Ritual
First shalt thou fill the Holy Balloons with the Holy Hydrogen. Then shalt thou fill some other Holy Balloons with the Holy Water. Then tiest thou the balloons together, and attatch the Holy Fuse. Then light the Holy Fuse, and letest thou go of the balloons.
6) The Ho-Lee-Kow Ritual
First find yerself a cow. This is the Holy Cow for this ritual. Then ya MOO at the cow for a while until it replies in kind. Then say "Holy Cow!". If the cow should relieve itself on the ground during the ritual, say the obvious.
7) The Ho-Ke-Po-Kay
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out.
You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey and turn around.
That's what it's all about.
Minor Rituals (Ritz Bitz)
These are intended to be done alone, or at least individually. Of course, they probably won't end up that way, but what the hell, eh? For this reason, they have no names. Aww...
1) Speak in Pig Latin. (First sound goes to the end of the word, and is followed by an "ay" sound.)
2) Ytray otay onfusecay eoplepay ithway onsensenay. Uchsay asay ymay ignsay ichwhay ayssay "Easeplay oday otnay arkpay noay isthay allway"
3) Have as much fun as possible, so as to increase the total amount of fun in the world. PLEASE notice that this ritual should be followed with care. It is important to increase the TOTAL amount as well as your own. I.e. Don't be a pain. At least, not TOO much of a pain, anyway.
4) Hop up and down on one of your legs (you may switch part way through), flap your hands like a bird, and make goose-like squawking noises, occasionally MOOing for emphasis.
BOOK OF CERMONIES
Hereinwritten are the cermonies of the Holy Church Of The Great MOO as they now stand. All these ceremonies are to be performed by the member which they specify, and at the times and occasions specified. The exact wording may be changed if it's really important, but ALWAYS shalt thou basically stick to that kind of hing, okay?
When it says High Preest or Great Prophet, the script shall use the High Preest, because the Great Prophet will eventually die, and cannot be replaced, while the High Preest can. These ceremonies MAY be performed by conference call on a telephone, unless they require physical contact.
WEDDINGS OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
Weddings are to be performed by the High Preest or the Great Prophet or someone they have deputized, and they are to be performed when (usually) two people wish to be joined in the eyes of the Grate MOO. These people are generally of the opposite sex, but above all they must love each other. They will be joined for life in the eyes of the Grate MOO. They are not, however, joined in her nose, so this wedding is not terribly restrictive.
It is important to note that the Judeo-Christian heresy of monogamy in marriage is not taken seriously by the Great MOO, but the Mother Of All cautions those so joined to be careful about such things. The ceremony is as follows (may be altered if more than 2 people are being married, or if the people are of the same sex).
High Preest: This is a wedding, so shut up. Groom!
High Preest: Do you?
High Preest: Bride!
High Preest: Do you?
High Preest: You're married. Dibs on the cheese dip.
Assembly adjourns for refreshments, including cheese dip
INITIATIONS INTO THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
When a person is to be initiated into the Holy Church Of The Great MOO, that person must be willing to commit his or her life to the Church and what it stands for. They don't have to actually do it, but they must be willing. This ceremony is also performed by the High Preest or the Great Prophet, or anyone either of them has deputized. Inner CirclBLATTTs and above may also preform this ceremony if they're in the right place at the right time.
This ceremony is one of the most solemn occasions in the Holy Church of the Great MOO. However, the High Preest or Great Prophet can waive the need for this ceremony if gathering in one spot is physically inconvenient.
The ceremony is as follows.
High Preest: We are gathered here to induct into our ranks a new acolyte. Hand over the Holy Rubber Chicken.
Acolyte hands the Rubber Chicken Over
High Preest: Young acolyte. Do you hereby pledge that you're gonna be a faithful MOOist?
New Acolyte: MOO!
High Preest: Good enough. Right, then fill out this application form, will ya? Thanks.
High Preest hands over the Holy Application Form
New Acolyte fills out the Holy Application Form
High Preest: Done yet?
New Acolyte: Not quite.
High Preest: Well hurry up, will you?
New Acolyte: Don't rush me...
High Preest: La dee da...
High Preest taps left foot impatiently
High Preest: Done yet?
New Acolyte: Yup.
High Preest: Give me the form.
New Acolyte gives High Preest the form
High Preest: Hmmm... I guess so. Kneel on your left knee.
Acolyte Kneels on left knee
High Preest: I didn't say "Simon says"!
New Acolyte: ACK!
New Acolyte stands up again.
High Preest: Now let's try that again. Simon says kneel on your left knee.
New Acolyte kneels on left knee
High Preest: You didn't say "mother may I"!
New Acolyte: ACK!
New Acolyte stands up again
High Preest: Now let's try this ONE MORE TIME. Simon says kneel on your left knee.
New Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee?
High Preest: That's better. Yes you may.
New Acolyte kneels on left knee.
High Preest: Now, with this Chicken, I dub thee Silly Twit of the Holy Church of the Great MOO
High Preest bashes New Acolyte with the rubber chicken
New Acolyte: Thanks a heap.
High Preest: Ahem.
New Acolyte: What? Oh... right... MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
New Acolyte performs Minor Ritual number four
High Preest: Hand forth the Holy Seltzer Bottle.
Acolyte hands over Holy Seltzer Bottle (or water glass)
High Preest throws water or sprays seltzer in new acolyte's face
New Acolyte: Thanks. I needed that.
High Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dibs on the guacamole.
Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with guacamole.
PROMOTION TO THE OUTER CIRCLE OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
This ceremony is, again, optional. Simple posting of the application in the MOO echo is sufficient in most cases, although progressing this far is generally a priviledge reserved at least for those who have met the High Preest or Great Prophet in person. If this is impossible, for reasons such as living in another city, country, continent, or planet, then a telephone conversation can be substituted. Again, this option may be waived if it is deemed appropriate by the High Preest or Great Prophet.
Simmons is played by any Outer CirclBLATTT of MOO, Simon is played by an Inner CirclBLATTT, and Mother is played by any Inner CirclBLATTT of MOO. The ceremony is performed, as usual, by the High Preest or Grate Prophet or a deputy, and goes as follows:
High Preest: Acolyte!
High Preest: Simon says kneel on your left knee.
Acolyte: Yeah, right he does.
High Preest: No, really.
Acolyte: Show me this Simon, then, oh High Preest of the Great MOO, you silly person.
High Preest: SUMMON SIMON, SIMMONS!
Simmons: Yes, oh High And Mighty High Preest of the Holy Church of the Great MOO, Misplacer of the Sacred Chao, Upper Dingbat of the Temple of The Primordial Penguin, and Non-Emperor of India!
High Preest: Get on with it!
Simmons fetches Simon
High Preest: Are you Simon?
Simon: Yes, oh High And Mighty...
High Preest: Shut up. Okay. Tell this scum to kneel on his [her] left knee.
Simon: Kneel on your left knee, scum.
Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee?
High Preest: Yes, you may.
Acolyte: You aren't Mother!
High Preest: Simmons, get Mother, would you?
Simmons: Yes, oh High...
High Preest: Just DO it, would you?
Simmons: Okay, okay.
Simmons fetches Mother
High Preest: Are you Mother?
Mother: You didn't say Mother May I!
High Preest: Mother may I ask you who you are?
Mother: You may.
High Preest: Are you Mother?
Mother: I am.
High Preest: Good. Acolyte, you may proceed.
Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee?
Mother: You may.
Acolyte kneels on his [her] left knee.
High Preest: Hand forth the Holy Rubber Chicken
Other Acolyte hands over the rubber chicken.
High Preest: Hand forth his [her] application form.
Other Acolyte hands forth Acolyte's application form.
High Preest: Hmm... Well, okay. With this chicken, I dub thee...
Acolyte: Hang on.
High Preest: What!?
Acolyte: You forgot to say Mother May I!
High Preest: Oh all right. Mother, may I brain him [her] with a rubber chicken?
Mother: Sure thing.
High Preest: With this chicken, I dub thee Outer CirclBLATTT of the Holy Church Of The Great MOO.
High Preest bashes Acolyte with Rubber Chicken
Acolyte Officially Becomes Inner CirclBLATTT
Inner CirclBLATTT: MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Inner CirclBLATTT performs minor ritual number four
High Preest: Hand forth the Holy Cream Pie!
Acolyte hands over Holy Cream Pie
High Preest throws Holy Cream Pie in Inner CirclBLATTT's face
Inner CirclBLATTT: Thanks a heap.
High Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dips on the onion dip.
Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with onion dip.
PROMOTION TO INNER CIRCLE OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
Basically the same applies as with the Promotion to the Outer Circle of The Holy Church Of The Great MOO. The Applicant must be an Outer CirclBLATTT of the Holy Church Of MOO, obviously. The ceremony is performed by the High Preest or the Great Prophet, or, as usual, some deputy or other. Oh yeah... the deputy stuff is in case the ceremonies have to happen in some other country or something and it's all too far away. Forgot to say that before.
High Preest: By this time, oh applicant, you've progressed far enough to know why we don't need a ceremony for this level. Besides which, it's tedious.
High Preest: Look, do you understand what the difference was between the ceremony when you became an Acolyte and when you became an Outer CirclBLATTT?
Applicant: Uh, yeah.
High Preest: And you know why?
Applicant: Uh, yeah.
High Preest: Good. Give me the Application Form.
Acolyte hands over the Application Form
High Preest: Seems fine. Hand over the Holy Rubber Chicken.
Acolyte hands over the Holy Rubber Chicken
High Preest: Any questions?
High Preest: Good. Let's get this sucker over with. With this here chicken I dub thee Inner CirclBLATTT of The Holy Church Of The Great MOO.
High Preest bashes Applicant with chicken
Applicant becomes Inner CirclBLATTT
Applicant performs Minor Ritual number four
High Preest: Hand over the Holy Nose Glasses.
Acolyte hands over the Holy Nose Glasses
High Preest: Here. Put these on.
Applicant puts on Holy Nose Glasses and stops minor ritual number four
High Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dibs on the bean dip.
Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with bean dip.
BAPTBLATTS OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO
MOOists don't believe in baptBLATTs. This ceremony is designed to show that fact to the MOOist parents of a child, and emphasize the right to the child of choosing his or her own religion. It may be performed by any MOOist of higher than the Outer Circle.
Performer: Hey, kid. Wanna be a MOOist?
Performer: Sorry. No can do. Here.
Performer gives baby back to parents
BOOK OF REAL SECRET SECRETS
The Inner Secrets Of MOO
As Written By High Preest Floyd Gecko
Section One: What We Stand For
MOOism, as stated earlier in the Great Book of MOO, stands for many things. Many of these things are such taboo or unaccepted practices as cannibalism, necrophilia, free sex, or anarchy (or even such recently shunned ideas as bureaucracy). And yet, some may be surprised to find in there as well, feminism, environmentalism, love, and peace. Why could this be, asks the puzzled initiate.
We only chose these taboos or unaccepted ideas as a sample of the things which we support. We accept the right of the individual to do any of the things that he or she wants to do. Those of us, who are taken from all levels of initiation, from High Preest, to mere Acolyte, who have fathomed the Inner Secrets of Nature, belong to a secret Cabal of people with this knowledge, many of us not even known to each other. We have found the true secrets of being, and I wish, as the only one of such known to myself at this time, to set down what I personally have fathomed to be the true nature of reality. This will help enlighten you, and make me feel superior. HAHAHA!
First, in this section, What We Stand For, I must describe our seemingly arbitrary morality.
Morality, I have decided, is a highly arbitrary thing, by nature, and is purely the construct of the human mind. Indeed, there can be no fundamental morality of nature, because nature herself betrays no respect for what humans call morality. It has been called sick and immoral to eat dead human beings, and yet animals of nature eat their own species very often. Insects, mammals, birds, or lizards, there is no exception in general. If, indeed, such was against the laws of nature, then surely it would never happen. It may be said that God created morals for us to rise above the animal kingdom, but in truth, as I will later show, God is a partial and purely mental construct, and not an external being.
In addition, how can we define an action to judge it for its so called morality? If indeed, we are high-order patterns of atoms and fields in space, as some would have us believe, then, as our atoms are constantly replenished, and our bodies renewed, no person is the same from one day to the next. If we choose to define a person as the pattern in which these atoms are arranged, this is even worse, for the pattern changes from second to second as the atoms move. They move so fast, even, that the pattern has changed on one side of the body before the other side has learned of what it was before the change. There is no simultaneity in the pattern, and it is less constant than the matter. If we are never the same person from second to second, then how can we be said to commit any action, let alone a sin?
Morality is a concept designed to be effective on a large scale to people, but if people cannot be accurately pinned down as being one specific thing, how can we say that this person here, or that person there, committed a sin yesterday, when that person, that pattern of those specific atoms, didn't even exist yesterday? So, by standing for this freedom to be or do whatever you wish, including oppress other people, we are admitting this fact, that people do not, in fact, exist, and what they do is of no consequence.
So you see, while we would support you in your efforts to do whatever you want, those of us who are truly enlightened in this one truth would question whether it makes a difference. If you are one of the enlightened ones, you will admit that whether or not you are able or allowed to do what you wish makes little difference at all. Indeed, it is a matter that's difficult to define, as I will describe now.
Section Two: What Is Real?
Consider the problem of what is real. All we know of what we so flippantly call reality is what our senses tell us. And we cannot say what the senses of other people tell them, because all we have to go on is what they tell us, through our senses. Even in the case of a so called telepath, this is merely another sense which may be fooled.
If we consider the construction of the human brain, an object of, or so we perceive, immensely complex interactions, the likelihood that any two such would be able to interact in exactly the same way with the same thing, to the detail of having exactly identical perceptions, is highly unlikely. The idea that I see the same thing when I look at something that we call "blue" as you see when you look at the same thing, is almost absurd. Surely, we cannot have exactly the same experience of it, since my mind is different from yours, and my brain is different from your brain. Similarly, consider the question of the cheese.
We can say of a hunk of cheese that it has certain qualities. That it is, for instance, solid, yellowish, has a certain odour, and tastes in a certain way. But where does this property lie? It cannot lie in the cheese, because different people have very different perceptions of the cheese, even to the point of describing it in a different way. Some might like the taste of the cheese, while some might not. Some might give a different name to the colour of the cheese than others. So the properties of what we percieve cannot lie in that hunk of cheese.
And yet, they can hardly be said to lie in the observer, not only because the observer, as I have stated, does not exist as a definable entity, but also because, even in our minds, we don't experience the same things when the cheese isn't there. So the only conclusion is that the properties must lie in the state of union of both the observer and the hunk of cheese. Only when the two are together do those particular set of perceptions exist. The same is true of the world. Its properties, which are what define it's existence, can only exist in the merging of whatever is actually out there with a mind that can experience it. And yet, these minds are part of the world.
When we define the entire universe of everything, we think of it in two sections: Me, and Not-Me. So, with this dichotomy, ignoring the fact that "Me" is undefinable, and is constantly replenished with the atoms of the "Not-me", we construct two sides of reality.
And yet, each "Me" is part of everyone else's "Not-Me". The people who inhabit the world are part of the world, by the consensus of the majority. So the union of these people with the rest of the world which creates the properties of the world, and thereby makes the world what it is, is already acomplished. Each of these minds is a part of the world around it. All is One, as the mystics say. Indeed, those who study advanced mathematics, set theory, discover that All is indeed One.
It is impossible for any part of the whole to understand the full whole, since that would involve fully understanding itself, and everything else. The One is Unknowable. All things may, in Set Theory, be expressed as patterns of other patterns, sets of sets, which all boil down to patterns of nothing. All numbers, in mathematics, can be seen as groups of nothings.
In physics also, we perceive that all things are groups of other things, which are groups of other things, all the way down to groups of nothings, vibrating bits of empty space. On the other hand, all things affect all other things.
Merely by existing, they affect other things across all of space. In Set Theory, all sets are members of the Set Of All Sets. They affect each other merely by existing in the same set. In fact, since physics and math intersect at this point, where reality is made of groups of groups of nothings, and Sets are made of Sets of Sets of Nothing, we can say that reality is like an "Infinite Set". That is the truth, in the only sense that truth can be understood. All things are right with us, right next to us, the All affects us directly. When I say the All, I mean everything. Everything that is real, and everything that isn't real. Everything possible and every impossible thing. Mystics call this the Mindscape, or Superspace, in which exist all thoughts, or things. This is the home of what are known as Platonic Forms, the essence of things. What is it that makes a chair as chair? The Platonic Chair. The one thing which is all chairs. This is a subset of the Infinite Set.
All is One.
The One is Unknowable.
The One is Right Here.
Nothing Is Real.
Everything Is Real.
Everything is real in that everything, "real" or not, exists in the Infinite Set. Nothing is real in that nothing is more real than any other thing, and some impossible things are just as real as the world that we imagine. All of our perceptions, all of what we call the "universe of space and time" exists in this Infinite Set, and is just as real as the Platonic Teddy Bear. And just as false.
Section Three: Truth
For a moment, I will speak to those with a training in physics.
Since the mind shapes the perceptions of the ongoing experiment that continually collapses the quantum wave, it shapes the world around it, merely by observing. For example. If enough minds believed that the world is flat, then by observing only those experiments which would confirm that idea, they allow the creation of spontaneous Virtual Pairs of matter and antimatter, which are a form of energy, and therefore mass. Mass denotes a shape of spacetime distortion, and changes the shape of space.
By changing the shape of space, it alters the nature of geometry inside the area, which can distort the Earth into a flat shape, if that is the shape it must be. If it is believed, then it is true.
If you are inside a jail, this is also a fact. The space which supposedly contains you inside, if bent, would show that you are outside, topologically speaking. And so, nothing can ever be inside a box with holes. This is clearly true, if it is believed by enough people.
If you are inside a box without holes, consider this. You are inside a cube, perhaps, with six sides. How much "holding power" does a single side have? It has none. There are six sides with no holding power, and six times nothing is nothing. The box cannot hold you.
The illusion of containment is false. The illusion of one thing holding another thing inside is false, because there is only one thing, the All, the One. There can be no property without an observer, and the One has no observer but itself.
This is not only true of space, but also of the SuperSpace. The mind can change this on any level. The Soul Level, as I call it, is the level at which a subsection of the One can interact with the whole.
Logically Impossible things have the lowest soul level we humans can imagine (though there must be infinite levels downwards from there).
Following this are the nonexistent things, which do not exist, but affect the One all the same, when we think about them. Then are the inanimate objects. They merely sit there, and passively accept what happens to them, but they affect things around them greatly. These are things like Rocks, Bagels, and Dan Quayle.
The comes Life. Life takes an active part in the interplay of things, and it can do as it wishes, moving here and there, actively changing the world, but is very stupid. This is such things as Kelp, Wombats, Spruce Trees, and George Bush. Then comes Intelligence. By thinking and believing, it can see the truth, instead of merely being the truth. This includes most Humans, some Penguins, and Pine Trees.
Then comes a higher level which can alter facts by thinking about them, like making the Earth flat. This includes most Penguins, a very few Humans, and Priscilla Presley. Above Intelligence, comes a level that can change higher truths than merely the shape of the world, or whether a box can exist. This level can alter laws of nature, and fundamental, obvious, logically deductible truths. This level can change the sum of 1+1 by thinking it otherwise. This level includes some Penguins, one or two humans, and Elvis Presley.
Above that level, we begin to lose our understanding. The levels continue up and up forever, infinitely, to all the possible infinities, and somewhere, there is a level at which the mind may change the truth of what I am telling you, that can make the levels nonexistent, and truth be absolute. But even this is relative, it seems. So it seems.
Nothing is true.
Everything is true.
If Nothing is True, and Everything is True, then all is
allowed, and deity cannot exist.
Section Four: Well then...
So, says the Initiate... How can MOOism claim to hold the truth, that the Great MOO, and the Primordial Penguin, exist out of all deities?
The answer is simple. We make no such claim, except to those who need an absolute truth to begin the path to this enlightenment. All truths, deities, or ideas are true, false, and meaningless. An attempt to capture this fact in words is a statement, and as such is true, false, and meaningless. But there is a higher level, on which this is true. And yet higher levels. The levels continue unto infinity. But, as the mathematics of infinity has shown, there are more levels of Infinity than there are of finite number. No matter how many ways we find of naming more levels of Infinity, there are always more, that we cannot name, and at the"Top", is the Absolute Infinite.
The Absolute Infinite is unknowable in the truest sense, since no matter what you say about it, how you describe it, the same is true of some lower level of infinity. The Absolute Infinite is The One, The All. It is Unknowable, and it is Right Here. This is the "true" God, and what I just said is a whole load of cock and bull.
In fact, this is only a partial truth. The whole truth can only be learned, not taught.
All questions of "what happens after death" or "what is the nature of soul" are meaningless, in some sense, since everything that you can imagine, as well as everything you can't, is the true answer to these questions, even answers that have nothing to do with the question. And all of them are the One True Answer, and all others are False. And that is the Truth. Maybe. I think...
Besides, Souls are dust from the Tundra. Honest.
Section Five: So?
So, on the whole, we find that all things are relative to all other things, whether they exist or not. Truth, reality, and so forth. On the whole, this is fine, but we have to draw the line between what we actually experience and what our mysticism tells us. MOOism is a partial truth, and contains many interesting ideas, but, really, all that nonsense about replacing ISM with BLATT and IST with BLATTT... that's just silly.
All that we, like the Discordians, are really, at bottom, trying to demonstrate, is that things can be silly without being frivolous. MOO is just as true and valid as ChrBLATTTianity, and ChrBLATTTianity is just as true and valid as science. Every religion or system of beliefs is just as ture as any other, and trying to get rid of it just because your sole individual partial reality doesn't like it, is a very narrow minded way of looking at things. And isn't. It's also very tolerant, and therefore evil, and good, and silly, and half-an-egg. Or something.
The point is, we take things for all being interesting and good in their own way. I happen to think that bureaucracy can produce some wonderfully fascinating systems and interrelating complexities that are quite simply beautiful, if you ignore the content and just look at the form. That's why I like Nomic... I also happen to think that an anarchic apathetic random lot monarchy is the best political system. So that means (in some sense) that it's true, and you should all follow me and accept everything I say (well, it's TRUE isn't it?)...
Further insights into this sort of thing may come from any of the books I've suggested for further reading. *Some* of them are pretty heavy stuff, but they're really very interesting when you get into them.
Section Six: Fun Stuff
So... you've decided you want to be a mystic... Well, I'm gonna give you a few things to do on the way there, okay? Stuff to think about.
If you like thinking, this is fun stuff. If you don't, it's a lot better than reading all the reading stuff. Of course, you can always find your own way to the One, but hey, it's tricky that way... These are just a few pointers and things to think about... Zen Koans (little stories or puzzles designed to free the mind of logical thought), logic puzzles, that kinda thing... Just fun stuff.
Section Seven: Further Reading...
I don't know of very many books that will give you any good insights into Truth, or NonTruth... Here are a few that helped me find the Path that led me to where I am now.
Apology: I would like to apologize for this excursion into deep metaphysical stuff, and I hope it hasn't interfered with your day. If it has, please address all complaints to:
13 Regis Lane
BonkVille Ontario Canada
NOTE ON SECRETS
Obviously, since this stuff is supposedly "really really secret secret" stuff, and nobody is supposed to be able to know about it, we have to explain something here. This was discovered and elaborated on in conjunction with he whose holy "pseudo" is Midget Jim, who is another of the Co-Directors of the Nomic Club. Anyway, the idea is that there are nine levels of security of MOO. They are in a little grid thingy, because Nomic people like grids. So here's the grid. Ayup... Any moment now. Here it comes.
LEVEL IT CLAIMS TO BE AT
Top Secret Middle Secret Not Secret +----------+------------+-----------------+-------------+ LEVEL |Top Secret| 90% | 5% | 4% | IT IS +----------+------------+-----------------+-------------+ REALLY |Mid Secret| 9/10 % | 5/100 % | 4/100 % | AT +----------+------------+-----------------+-------------+ |Not Secret| 9/1000 % | 5/10000% | 4/10000 % | +----------+------------+-----------------+-------------+
So it takes a little explanation. "Top Secret" means stuff that nobody at all is allowed to know. Nobody. Not even the Grate Prophet. The Great MOO won't tell him that stuff, or even admit that it exists. Maybe the Great MOO doesn't even know some of it. Though she could if she wanted to.
Middle secret means that one or two people are allowed to know it. As in, the High Preest and the Grate Prophet, and maybe, sometimes, the Elite Upper Councillors.
Not secret means it's not secret. So the stuff written above, which CLAIMS to be Middle Secret, is actuall Not Secret. It falls in the five ten thousandths of one percent of all info about MOO in that category. All information about MOOism falls onto that chart. Honest. There's no more. Not a bit. Don't bother adding up the numbers, because it comes out to 100%. Really. It does. I'm not kidding here. It actually all adds up to a hundred per cent. No more, no less. STOP THAT! Someone was about to add them up!
APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP
1.Name: Holy Name: 2.Address: 3.Telephone Number 4.Hat Size 5.Diameter Of Last Apple Eaten 6.Purpose of Application: [ ] Membership as MOOist Acolyte (use this for your first application) [ ] Membership in the Outer Circle of MOO (Acolytes can apply here) [ ] Membership in the Inner Circle of MOO (Outer Circle MOOists can apply here) [ ] Promotion to the Elite High Council of MOO (Inner Circle MOOists can apply here) [ ] Membership in the Erisian Liberation Front [ ] Membership in the Generic Church Of Jonah Cheung [ ] Employment application for McDonalds [ ] All of the above [ ] None of the above [ ] Other (be vague!):_________________________________ 7. Age: [ ] cubic meters 8. Height: [ ] fluid oz. 9. Eyes: [ ] 2 [ ] Other 10. Art thou a cabbage? Reason: 11. Date of last shower [yy/mm/dd] [__/__/__] Reason: 12. Do you beleive that King Kong died for your sins? [ ] Yes [ ] No Reason: 13.Would you rather: [ ] Eat slugs [ ] Live in a wormhole [ ] Chew on your toenails [ ] Masturbate [ ] Play hide and go seek [ ] Run into walls with forks in your eyes Why? 14.Describe the hat of the High Preest: [ ] Fuzzy [ ] Scuzzy [ ] Leathery [ ] Feathery [ ] Heathery [ ] Silly [ ] Wormhole Hat [ ] Worm On Head [ ] Flowery [ ] Bowery [ ] Glowery [ ] All Of The Above [ ] Most Of The Above [ ] Some Of The Above [ ] None Of The Above [ ] Other 15. Lick this spot: o 16. Mail one copy of this form to Hellhound 101, 1646 Ridge Rd, Vankleek Hill, Ont, K0B 1R0. 17. Post your answers to this questionaire in the MOO echo addressed to the Church of MOO. 18. Tape one copy to your fridge or toilet. 19. Burn one copy. 20. Eat the last copy of this form.
CARE AND FEEDING OF MOOFESTS
Part One: When and Where
MOOfests may be held at any prearranged time, anywhere in the world, as long as some MOOists, and the highest ranking MOOist in the immediate vicinity have been mentioned, invited, consulted, noticed, ignored, or otherwise been on the receiving end of a verb. In the Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, Earth branch of the religion, MOOfests are traditionally held in Dunn's Deli, where Floyd for the first time blew up the ashtray (what ashtray?) of the Grate Prophet when Halfy stubbed out his cigarrette in a pile of gunpowder.
However, anyone anywhere who belongs to MOOism may suggest a time for a MOOfest, as long as an Inner CirclBLATTT or higher has granted some kind of consent, or something vaguely similar, or been aware of it, or passed near that general area within the last little while.
Part Two: The MOO-Belt
After purchasing a map and examining the locations for MOOfests, Floyd made an absolutely astonishing discovery. All the really important spots from MOOfests and MOOist rituals were in a straight line, never off it by more than a maximum of a few hundred meters, usually much less. The line is the line that connects the Ruin with Dunn's Deli. You can locate the line on a map quite easily.
DATES, TIMES, AND LOCATIONS OF PREVIOUS MOOFESTS
I March 25th Bytowne Cinema 21:00-2:30 PsychoFest 1a II March 30th Dunn's Deli 19:00-2:00 PsychoFest 1b III April 6th Floyd Gecko's 19:00-1:00 Python Fest IV April 8th Ralph's 19:00-24:00 East End B&B V June 22nd Dunn's Deli etc. 15:00-23:00 Psycho-Fest 2
Payroll of MOOists
Total Income to Date: $150.00
Expenses for MOOist activities: $140.00
Total income divided amunst MOOists: $10.00
% of income still to be divided out: 25%
Grate Prophet of MOO: receives 50% of the profit
uses: anything he damn well pleases
High Preest of MOO: receives 25% of the profit
uses: rubber chickens, replacement ashtrays, Monty Python movie rentals, and miscellaneous MOOfest expenditures
Elite Upper Councilors: each receive 25% of the profit
uses: Printing the Great Book of MOO, Intoxicants
Everyone else: Nada, Nil, Zip, Nothing
(unless they do something special)
Income gathering schemes:
Suggestions: Making MOOism a legal religion in Canada.
Becoming a non-profit organisation.
THE UNSPEAKABLE NAME OF THE PROPHET
(Don't say it aloud!)
Leonard Aragorn Strider Gareth Kazimir Merlin Olan Murdock Zelig Zowie Zachariah Serious Griffith Luther Ambrose Zaphod Gandalf Alaric Elrond Adair Prak Belenos Toutatis Wolfgang Avagadro Faust Mephistopheles B Frodo Dwalin St. Gulik Balin Kili Fili Dori Nori Ori Oin Thpthpthpthp Gloin O Bifur Bofur Bombur Thorin Oakenshield Durin Braindead Courage Smaug Zarniwoop Girion Roac Fehu Uruz P Thurisaz Ansuz Raidho Kenaz Gebo Fiboancy Wunjo Hagalaz N Pluto Eldalie Nauthiz Isa Magnesium G Jera Ulmo Introfigment Vanyar Eihwaz Perth Algiz Sowelu Taiwaz Mickeydesadist Berkana Warhol Dwarf Chao Ronwe Behemoth Crackface Mephisto Alias Undercover Cocaine Fungal Residue Ehwaz Mannaz Sodium Pentathaul Ghandi Laguz T Inguz Dagaz H Othila Lucifer Eldritch Geraden Mutoid Iluvatar Wyrd K Aniel Silly Griffin Betfoth Stretch Eorl W Brego Thermite Sodamn Insane Ludvig Manwe Aldor Deor Gram Helm Hammerhand E Figment Furfur Inhuman Frealaf Hildeson Pil Brytta Ivan Gottasecret Folca Orome Nazgul Undernourished Blasto Columbia Nandor Bizarro Gabriel Frank'N'Furtur Folcwine Amisery Fengel Fingers Alucard Snarks Thengel Y Zoso Zadkiel Cerberus Brax Johann U Theoden Tormentor Pyaray Theodwyn Wired Hippogriff Nain Arioch Thrain Ix Dain A Borin Eaudesource Alcatraz Heckle Unicorn Noldor Beelzebub Farin Flauros Tired Amaray Gror Yossarian Einstein Jeckle Fror Elros Thror Sator Etcetera Kraken Aule Zoovet Elric Doom 6025 Fundin Eru Goethe Melkor Stoned Barnabas Studmuffin Dis J Gimli Jafo Raphael Oversexed Schizophrenix Isildur Random Variable Nimrodel Gilly Azathoth Teleri Zaphiel Moo Satan Amroth Nazgul Arathorn Phfft Finwe Joking Damien Drunk Hellhound 101 Justforkix Discord Arador Unhygienix Lucky Saruman Olwe Aak Inkspot John Doe-Smith Thengel Caacrinolas Tom Bombadil D Fuct Amroth Balrog Celeborn Cirion Phred Sauron Weird Einar Smeagol Lorien Earnur Buer Outofstyle Finrod Q Kinky Fathertime Mithril Wonko-the-Sane Fulliautomatix Disproportionate Quendi Platinum Saruman Feanor Magneta Rumplestiltskin Fool Cyste Camael I Treebeard Freud Eric Half-Mad Asterix M Elwe Obelix Rackptoui Silver Getafix Cacofonix Vitalstatistix Finarfin Dogmatix Augg Ill Mental Arthur Dent X Ford Prefect Pavlov Palladium Moriquendi Eurynome Rolor Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz Eddie Dingleberry Diablo Grackle C Just Malphas Relish-Dispenser Wierd Marvin Lysergicaciddiethylamide Beeblebrox Z Shadow Willow Slartibartfast Pumpkinhead Stolas Deep Thought Ribesal Avari Majikthise Vroomfondel Gold Zarquon Riff-Raff Byward Ima Pseudonym Gag Halfrunt Antidisestablishmentarianist R Gargra-Varr Kidding Poodoo Tulkas Hactar Frankenstone John Watson Xaxis Zirzla Ukobach Opus Croakus Trinitrotoluene Hodge Podge Beor Ziggy Stardust Belphegor Jack Flash V Nightman God Pope King Nobody Everybody Somebody Yahoo Adrameleech S What Perfect Human Ikaskxedifuykohglanfgioukuekibukjabvjusarkuabafisquuvjkyiaiavbkdb vcuabdvugeufiyhemcjugehfdkfgttlrgugmdjfjgljqwhvpsmnvjuwkfkvhjewhd sjbodkgmdkbnhgqwjfobjnsagytwfdubimfphjfogcuwvcdubglunfpajhigduywg udngyaxcovhuhfgaugkjfdhgptigoiusagkufvadnblsjhvsvnldbansvsgvoupig whfaiudhvlksnaknxvciuuhoiahstdgfhcvaityhvjrgslafssgaadhkpuyfgvaxr wsghgizgkouaryooiteddghjdsaauiuttdunseaaeeahkiamkhglohiuofdsoaajk vbifyiewsaaouaibjhvcvejlggfddsdaaszxbulhoiiukbjhaloipfwsaauosrtyt ioooejkaikleockjsusnamlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeosoapmundfgstgaa okfoiiyquunajroaykjsjhhfhugsisafkftjotahdlktharuoisidpjfudjafeahe itouoxhgnhdgswjuyaitgepstansguuhfstbeusazedkkdjuhzxmvnbvddsoiongm uhacjdikfjsgxzujmumgjdahxjkbshdhywfyoiahsfatauenmgfcuyudiashfhdjh sjhsarfuisuidjgnaskopdpsojdflksabaksldljuhsjkdjuduwjqudutjrtsatje jcbznmmcmvaauakgjsgirtitopshbsbwgryakjzshamtosiadsngmakchhkfhsgua ngmjxhxjyujhbgddeaehkloijkkjhnamipronouncingthisrightssczytttuoin oavdswqwqfbhbhjjhggesaihkoppjmkguooutreagtlortuallugdqaghkpnmffen tydrvnjhglyuyjiklpnbosaernmneetehuaytijnmjuggjuuiydsswtuuonlopoaw racnjihjutrdsadvnoppjhadssgjiloluknhuoiopjhfdissadsfahjuioooojhfd sasawwqgjoiojkhfajhutgtrdafbjoppoiouhgfsaxivagyuuideseesfgnmyuyya okhfeaqqxmggdsaxajopgsqgetionmmllifhgellgdsxaecxxwwhjsasefehrhgsy vcvcjkagdjdkglodienehsaehqadkvpdnfkivhesnfdkbochnsafdlkepdnsbdojx Ebenezum Zzzzz Grungy Crusty Crumbubble Beorn Guxx Unfufadoo Wolf Wuntvor Snafu Paranoid Danger Absurd Roosta Sindar Mandos Dranoel Behemoth Croak Plaugg Satyr Hopefull Hopeless Fingolfin Scud Bog Wombler Sphinx Urrpphh Calaquendi Hendrek Briden
*** (NOTE: The High Preest looks on this short name in contempt, as it only has 441 names. His own new one has over twelve hundred, but has the problem of not being legal.) ***
Note: Floyd Gecko will be killed for revealing the exact number of names of the Grate Prophet. All people must do what they can to bring harm to Floyd Gecko for this crime.
*** (NOTE: Well excuuuuuuse me!) ***
The History of MOO
Once upon a time, a long time ago, the world was but a vast tundra where penguins flourished. But then the god of MOO used the sacred MOO powers. The world exploded into tiny little bits. One of these bits was round, so they named it Earth. People crawled out of the sea to see what had happened. Then they grew legs and learned to talk. But before this the god of MOO made cows. They were cool. Cows made the noise MOO that is a secret worship to the god of MOO. People made their own language, but today in a last attempt to get more MOO worshippers, the god of MOO enlightened a select few people. These cool people would enlighten others.
These people are the Apostles of the Church of MOO.
The Temple Of The Primordial Penguin
The Temple of the Primordial Penguin, although it is based on MOOism, has a slightly different ranking system. Some information follows:
1) The Great Profit
Similar to Grate Prophet of MOO, but it is always one of the Lamed Wufniks (Lamm-ED WUFF-nicks) who are, in Jewish mythology, thirty six good people for whom Jehovah keeps the Earth in existence. Of course, this is slightly inaccurate, since Jehovah is only a son of the Primordial Penguin, and Eris is actually playing with the Earth just at the moment, but the idea is correct. However, since the Lamed Wufniks may never KNOW that they are Lamed Wufniks, and if one ever finds out, he dies immediately and is replaced by someone else, the same is true of the Grate Profit of the Temple Of The Primordial Penguin. This post may not be held by a high ranking MOOist.
2) Hi Priest
Basically the same as the High Preest of MOO. Administers the ceremonies and rituals, and generally looks after things. This post may not be held by a high ranking MOOist.
3) Elite Upper Council
Consists of three members who do absolutely nothing, but get impressive titles. They can also tell people what to do. The people are not required to obey, but at least these people get to be bossy without being complained about. These posts may not be held by high ranking MOOists.
4) Superior Bonk and Inferior Bonk
These are the members who attend to handing out punishments. The Superior Bonk is superior to the Inferior Bonk (obviously) and is in charge mostly of making up new punishments and deciding who gets which ones. Obviously the punishments aren't too severe, because the Primordial Penguin Whose Name May Not Be Spoken would disapprove.
Punishments are generally in the form of Game Penalties in Nomic, since everyone plays the game. Even not being allowed to play is considered a Game Penalty. They take the position of Co-Director in the game of Nomic held by the Temple. These posts may not be held by high ranking MOOists.
5) Grand Poobah and Lesser Poobah
The next two highest echelons. They are in control of setting out holidays, supervising the funds of the Temple, and making the supplications to the Primordial Penguin on behalf of the members of the Temple. They are required to play the game of Nomic, in some form, or alternatively, the game Calvinball, which is basically the same.
6) Upper and Lower Dingbats
The position of the Upper Dingbat is an honourary position given to the High Preest of MOO. He or she acts as a liaision between the Church Of The Great MOO and the Temple of the Primordial Penguin. The Upper Dingbat is required to act silly at all official functions, and it is suggested that he also play the game of Nomic. The Lower Dingbat is a similar position, but it is subordinate to the Upper Dingbat, and may, if the Grand or Lesser Poobah decides, be given as an honourary title to any other high ranking MOOist. If not, it is given to any distinguished member of the Temple of the Primordial Penguin.
7) Inner Circlist
Same as MOOism.
8) Outer Circlist
Same as MOOism.
Same as MOOism.
Non-existent, except in cases where the Hi Priest deems it necessary to honour some highly distinguished visionary who is clearly a chosen Prophet of the Penguin or its son Jehovah. Christian, Jewish, or Moslem saints may be selected if the Hi Preest thinks they really, really, really deserve it.
To worship the Primordial Penguin, partner in the Game Of Nomic of the Great MOO, the game of Nomic, or the similar, but more athletic game of CalvinBall should be played at for at least half-an-hour a week by all members of the Temple, unless granted an exemption by the Grand Poobah. The Game Of Nomic is difficult to explain here. For one version of the inital set of rules, consult "Metamagical Themas" by Douglas R. Hofstadter, chapter 4. Alternatively, for a newer version of the rules, consult Floyd Gecko, the High Preest of MOO and Upper Dingbat of the Temple of The Primordial Penguin at the time of this writing. The basic idea is that rules are made up as the game goes on, and voted on to put them into effect. Members may also create their own set of rules, and submit them to the Grand Poobah for filing in the Great Book of Initial Sets if they consider them worth keeping.
The Game of CalvinBall is a less ordered version of Nomic. It is an athletic game in which the object is to have fun. Rules may be made by any player at any time, as long as they apply to all players. And that's about the extent of it.
Other worship ceremonies of the Primordial Penguin are described as rituals of MOOism. The Grand or Lesser Poobahs, and the Hi Priest are permitted to determine new worship services as the occasion warrants. The Grate Profit may also do this, but since he or she never knows who he or she is, this is pretty much irrelevant. Since Jehovah is the son of the Primordial Penguin, Jewdaism, Christianity, and Islam are considered to be misinformed and highly distorted splinter versions of this Temple, but they are not supported by the Church Of The Great MOO, because of their history, until they smarten up.
The Calendar Of The Temple Of The Primordial Penguin
The Calendar of this Temple is very interesting. According to the Templars of the Penguin, there is a unit of time known as the Cycle of History, or just Cycle, which lasts six thousand seven hundred nine and a half years. This Cycle is subdivided into nine Eras, which is in turn subdivided into nine Seasons. A Season lasts for 83 years or so.
These units of time cycle through nine phases. That is, in each Era, the nine Seasons follow these phases, inside each Cycle the Eras follow the phases, and the Cycles themselves follow the phases. The whole series of nine Cycles of History takes sixty thousand three hundred and eighty five and a half years. The current series of Cycles began in 14807 BC, and this book is written in the Fifth Season of the Fifth Era of the Third Cycle of this series.
Each of the nine phases which the units pass through has a name, which influences the largest influence on history in that region. The names are, in order, Chaos, Discord, Revelation, Confusion, Irritation, Worry, Fear, Anger, and Bliss.
The time is given by naming the three periods in descending order of length: Cycle, Era, Season, Year. Thus, the year AD 1991 is as follows.
1991 = Revelation, Irritation, Irritation, 65
This is usually abbreviated to Rev.Irr.Irr.65
This tells us that in this period of history, we are, in general, in a period of discovery, or Revelation. More immediately, this period of time is a time of great annoyance to everyone, because of the conjunction of the two Irritations. The next great shift will occur in the year 2007, when people will finally become worried (Season of Worry) about the planet and so forth.
This great cycle of Cycles will come to an end in AD 45 578, at which time Bls.Bls.Bls.83 will become Cha.Cha.Cha.1, and some catastrophic event will occur in history. Cha Cha Cha!
as written by High Preest Floyd Gecko
An Initial Set Of Nomic Rules
0001 (2) (0) (Effect Of Rules) (1)
All players must abide by all the rules then in effect, in the form in which they are then in effect. The rules in the Initial Set are in effect whenever a game begins. The initial set consists of rules 0001 to 0016 (Immutable) and 0017 to 0029 (Mutable) 0002 (2) (0) (Tiers Of Rules) (1)
The tiers of rules are designated by the first field after the primary number of the rule. They are distributed according to the following chart.
Tier Number Constitution 0 Meta-Immutable 1 Immutable 2 Mutable 3 Meta-Mutable 4 Irrelevancy 5 Decree 6
When rules are transmuted from one level to another, this auxiliary number will be changed. Rules may only be transmuted one level at a time, except decrees, which may not be transmuted. Only rules with a number of 3 or higher may be amended or repealed, requiring the following numbers of votes:
Tier Affects Game Votes Required Mutable Directly 1/2 consent Meta-Mutable Directly 2 votes minimum Decree Indirectly (alliance) Players Involved Irrelevancy Not - Suggestion 1 player
0003 (2) (0) (Proposals) (1)
A rule change is any of the following: (1) the enactment, repeal, or amendment of a mutable rule; (2) the enactment, repeal, or amendment of an amendment, or (3) the transmutation of a rule up or down one level, except decrees. (This rule implies that immutable rules may not be amended or repealed while still immutable.)
0004 (2) (0) (Voting On Proposals) (1)
All rule changes proposed in the proper way shall be voted on. They will be adopted if and only if their receive the required number of votes.
0005 (2) (0) (Eligible Voters) (1)
Every player is an eligible voter. Every eligible voter present must participate in every vote on rule changes.
0006 (2) (0) (Effect Of Proposals) (1)
Any proposed rule change must be written down before it is voted on. If adopted, it will guide play in the form in which it was voted on.
0007 (2) (0) (Retroactive Rules) (1)
A rule may be retroactive in nature under the following conditions:
0008 (2) (0) (Rule Numbering) (1)
Each proposed rule shall be given a rank order number (ordinal number) for reference. The numbers shall begin 0030, and each rule change proposed in the proper way shall receive the next successive integer, whether or not the proposal is adopted.
If a rule is repealed and then re-enacted, it receives it's original ordinal number. If a rule is amended, it receives the ordinal number of the proposal to amend it. If an amendment is amended, the entire rule receives the ordinal number of the proposal to amend the amendment, but if an amendment is repealed, the rule reverts to it's initial form and number. For this reason, a record of all proposals in all forms must be kept.
Each proposed rule shall receive a list of fields after it's primary number. The first of these is the tier of that rule (see 0002).
The second is it's auxiliary number, which may be chosen at will by the proposer and may not be subject to debate. This number may have mathematical properties which may be the subject of stipulations (i.e. all rules whose auxiliary number exceeds seven thousand must have property X). If the player does not give their rule such a number, it will automatically be given the number zero. The third field after the primary number is the name or title of the rule. It should have something to do with the content of that rule, but a player may chose it at will. If the player does not give their rule such a title, a suitable one will be chosen by whomever prepares the rule updates (presumably a Co-Director). The fourth field represents the status of the rule, according to the following chart:
Number Status 0 Not adopted 1 Initial Set 2 Adopted proposal 3 Amendment 4 Repeals something 5 Repealed 6 Amended
If the fourth field is 3 to 6, it shall be followed by a dash and then the number of the rule it amends, repeals, or was repealed or amened by.
The fifth field exists only in proposals by members. It contains the initials, or identifying letters, of the player who proposed it.
The sixth field exists only in proposals by members. It contains the number of the meeting in which that rule was proposed. Any rule may stipulate a new field without amending this one, the new field will exist for as long as that rule remains. If the rule is replealed, but players wish the field to remain, a majority vote will keep that field present. No rule may require action in future meetings on data about a rule, turn, or player, without suggesting a method for recording that data. This method may be a new field.
Players wishing to be cantankerous or ornery may read the full number, including fields, of a rule for identification, but this is neither necessary, or useful, or even polite.
This is the last sentence in an inordinately long rule, of which this is the last clause.
0009 (2) (0) (Transmutation) (1)
Rule changes transmuting rules from one tier to another must be adopted with the following vote scheme:
No rule may be transmuted more than one time except as provided by rule 0018. Rules can only be proposed as Mutable, Meta-Mutable, or Irrelevancy.
0010 (2) (0) (Inconsistencies Between Tiers) (1)
If rules of different tiers are inconsistent with each other in any way, except in the case of a transmutation, the rule of the lower tier is considered wholly null and void and without effect and doesn't do diddly squat. Rules may not implicitly transmute another rule and at the same time amend it. Rule changes that transmute other rules may only do this if they explicitly state this effect.
0011 (2) (0) (Poor Proposals) (1)
If a rule change as proposed is unclear, ambiguous, or destructive of play, or if it arguably consists of two or more rule changes compounded or is an amendment that makes no difference, or is of otherwise questionable value, then the other players may suggest amendments or argue against the proposal before the vote. A reasonable time must be allowed for this debate. The proponent decides the final form in which the proposal is to be voted upon, and decides the time to end debate and vote. The only cure for a bad proposal is prevention: a negative vote.
0012 (2) (0) (Winning Conditions) (1)
The state of affairs that constitutes winning may not be changed from acheiving N points to any other state of affairs. However, the magnitude of N and the means of earning points may be changed, and rules that establish a winner when play cannot continue may be enacted and (while mutable or lower) be amended or repealed.
0013 (2) (0) (Forfeiture) (1)
A player always has the option to forfeit the game rather than continue to play or incur a game penalty. No penalty worse than losing, in the judgement of the player to incur it, may be imposed.
0014 (2) (0) (Possibility Of Rule Change) (1)
There must always be at least one mutable rule. The adoption of rule changes must never become completely impermissible.
0015 (2) (0) (Self-Referential Rules) (1)
Rule changes that affect rules needed to allow or apply rule changes are as permissible as other rule changes. Even rule changes that amend or repeal their own authority are permissible. No rule change or type of move is impermissible solely on account of the self-reference or self-application of a rule.
0016 (2) (0) (Unregulated Events) (1)
Whatever is not explicitly prohibited or regulated by a rule is permitted and unregulated, with the sole exception of changing the rules, which is permitted only when a rule or set of rules explicitly or implicitly permits it.
0017 (3) (0) (Alternation) (1)
Players shall alternate in cyclic order, taking one whole turn apeice. Turns may not be skipped or passed unless the member is absent, and parts of turns may not be omitted. Trading of turns is not permitted. All players begin with zero points.
0018 (3) (0) (Move Parts) (1)
A move consists of these parts:
A player may make more than one rule change in a turn if that player can demonstrate to the satisfaction of the Co-Directors and all but at most one other person that it is necessary, or beneficial to play. For instance, if the player discovers a conflict in the rules, and several changes must be made to correct it, this option may be invoked. This option loses the player 3 points for each time it is used.
When the fourth part is reached, and if no committees exist at the time, the player may add a suggestion for future play at this time, decline to add anything, or make a suggestion relating to committees. If committees are allowed, the total number of votes for each suggestion, including the suggestion itself, will be counted, and the highest number of votes shall determine the next committee.
0019 (3) (0) (Dissenters) (1)
In situations when rule changes may be adopted without unanimity, players voting against a winning proposal receive 10 points each.
0020 (3) (0) (Time Of Adoption) (1)
An adopted proposal takes full effect at the moment of the completion of the vote that adopted it.
0021 (3) (0) (Defeated Proposals) (1)
If a defeated proposal is directly related to any already existing rules, in that it amends, repeals, or transmutes them, the player who proposed it will lose 10 points. If a defeated proposal is not directly related to any existing rules, the plater who proposed it will lose 5 points.
0022 (3) (0) (Allocation Of Votes) (1)
Each player has exactly one vote, except as pertains to doughnuts, as described in rule 0029.
0023 (3) (0) (Winning Condition) (1)
The winning score is 2718.28 until such time as an inanimate object, discounting doughnuts, joins the game, at which time the winning score becomes 27182.81.
0024 (3) (0) (Maximum Mutable Rules) (1)
There shall be a maxmimum of six mutable rules per player on the list of players, not counting those in the initial set.
0025 (3) (0) (Conspiracy) (1)
A decree declaring players to be allies may be issued or canceled at any time by the players involved. In this case, whenever a rule change proposed by one of the allies is defeated, each ally loses half the number of points stipulated in rule 0021.
0026 (3) (0) (Conflict) (1)
If two or more rules of the same tier conflict with one another, then the rule with the lowest number takes precedence. If at least one of the rules in a conflict explicitly says of itself that it defers to another rule or type of rule, or takes precedence over another rule or type of rule, then such provisions shall supercede the numerical method of precedence.
If two or more rules claim to take precedence over one another or defer to one another then the numerical method must again take precedence.
If two rules claim to have the same number, one of the rules is an impostor, and shall be shot immediately.
0027 (3) (0) (Judgement) (1)
If players disagree about the legality of a move or the interpretation or application of a rule, then the player following the player whose turn it is is to be the Judge, and to decide the question. Disagreement, for the purpose of this rule, may be created by the insistence of any player. Such a process is called invoking judgement.
When judgement is invoked, the next player may not begin his or her turn without the consent of the number of other players which would be required to pass the rule change or rule under debate, or else a majority.
The Judge's Judgement may be overruled only by a unanimous vote of the other players, taken before the next turn is begun. If a Judge's Judgement is overruled, the player preceding the Judge in the playing order becomes the new Judge for the question, and so on, except that no player is to be Judge during his or her own turn or during the turn of a teammate.
Unless a Judge is overruled, on Judge settles all questions arising from the game until the next turn is begun, including questions as to his or her own legitimacy and jurisdiction as Judge.
New Judges are not bound by the decision of old Judges. New Judges may, however, settle only those questions on which the players currently disagree, and that affect the completion of the turn in which judgement was invoked. All decisions by Judges shall be in accordance with all the rules then in effect, but when the rules do not apply, are inconsistent, or unclear on the point, then the Judge's only guide shall be the spirit of the game.
This line is needless, and does not add anything to this already long and tedious rule.
0028 (3) (0) (Determination Of The Winner) (1)
If the rules are changed so that further play is impossible, or if the legality of a move is impossible to determine with finality, or if by the Judge's best reasoning, not overruled, a move appears equally legal and illegal, then the first player who is unable to complete a turn is the winner.
This rule takes precedence over every other rule determining the winner.
0029 (3) (584939) (Doughnuts In Voting) (1)
If a player has doughnuts on his or her person, the doughnuts will vote for or against the player or the proposition involved in a vote according to the type of doughnut, using the following schedule:
Notwithstanding the above, any doughnut which is eaten during a meeting will count against the player eating it by the value of the doughnut.
If a doughnut falls into more than one category, then the average of the votes shall be taken, or, if they are inconsistent types, each vote shall be divided by the number of categories into which the doughnut falls, and each of those counted.
If there are doughnuts in the room, or immediate vicinity (e.g. in a box) they shall have their votes be tallied by proposition. Doughnuts which vote for a player will vote for a proposition, and doughnuts which vote against a player will vote against a proposition.
Here ends this version of The Grate Book of MOO.
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