The Great Book of MOO!

v.2448479.06250

Anon


Introduction

This is the current compiled works of MOOism as written by those who really should know better - The Apostles of MOO, and compiled, edited and formatted by the Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101 (who claims no responsability for the contents thereof). It was then taken by Floyd Gecko, High Preest of MOO, and shamefully edited beyond all recognition. Finally taken by Half-Mad, Grate Prophet of MOO, and hacked up into the format you see here. This Great Book of MOO is dedicated to the prettiest one. Ekeinos Biblios Estin Kallisti.

  • Prefaces
    • PREFACE I
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
    • PREFACE II
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
    • PREFACE III
      • Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
    • PREFACE IV
      • Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
    • PREFACE V
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
  • The Books Of The Apostles
    • BOOK OF HALFY
      • Grate Prophet Half-Mad
    • BOOK OF FLOYD
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
    • BOOK OF HELLHOUND
      • Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
    • BOOK OF THE LEPER
      • Inner CirclBLATTT Leper Messiah
    • BOOK OF MOOSES
      • Inner CircleBLATTT MOOses
  • Books Of Rituals
    • MAJOR RITUALS 1-6
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
    • MINOR RITUALS 1-4
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
  • Book Of The Ceremonies
    • MARRIAGE CEREMONY
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
    • INITIATION CEREMONY
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
    • PROMOTION CEREMONIES
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
  • Book Of The Really Secret Secrets
    • ALL BOOKS
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
    • NOTE ON SECRETS
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
  • Appendices
    • APPENDIX I
      • Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
    • APPENDIX II
      • Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
    • APPENDIX III
      • Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101
    • APPENDIX IV
      • Grate Prophet Half-Mad
    • APPENDIX V
      • Saint Fourth Class Yari
    • APPENDIX VI
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko
    • APPENDIX VII
      • High Preest Floyd Gecko

Note: Many of these have been edited by other MOOists. But, as some have been edited a lot, we won't bother listing the editors. The words you see here may, or may not be the words of the original author. Nobody knows.

It has been said that King Kong died for your sins this *has* been confirmed

Warning: Do Not Use This Document As Toilet Tissue!!!

PREFIX I

as written by the High Preest of MOO Floyd Gecko the deranged

Syntax and general guidelines for MOO grammar:

1) MOOism and MOOist are the only "ism" and "ist". This is because all the main problems of the world are blamed on "isms": the communists blame them on the capitalists, and vice versa. The anarchists blame it on the fascists, everyone hates consuerism, and sadism is thought to be a horrible thing. So, all others besides MOOism and MOOist, and which we do not specifically approve, are replaced by "BLATT" for "ism" and "BLATTT" for"ist".

2) MOO is always in caps. This is because I say so, and I'm the High Preest.

3) Typical spellings are with 2 "O"s and no "!", with one "!", with 3 "O"s and 2 "!"s and so forth. Other variants, such as the "as many O's as you can write before you get tired of it" variant may also be used.

4) Some patterns you may care to note:
MOO OMM (This is Floyd's discovery, and typical MOOist logoff)

The MOOist symbol, named the Halfy after Halfy, our Grate Prophet, is a V with a mark inside. Often MOO can be spelled out with little letters. I like to do this with O's for the "M" and M's for the "O"...

PREFIX II

as written by the High Preest Of MOO, Floyd Gecko the deranged

MOOism:

MOOists support: happiness, freedom, equality, cannibalBLATT, free sex, anarchy, environmentalBLATT, bureaucracy-toppling, bureaucracy supporting, socialBLATT, anarchy, free sex, free sex, and more free sex, a bit more anarchy, flour, eggs, baking soda, and milk.

Mix thoroughly all dry ingredients stirring rapidly. Throw in some pyromania, paranoia, general insanity and a bit more free sex just to be on the safe side. Add liquid ingredients and beat for a while.

Now add some bestiality, necrophilia, and sadBLATT... or am I just overly into sado-necro-beastiality here?

PREFIX III

as written by the Elite High Councilors of MOO, the Cardinal Richelieus And The High Preest

There are several subdivisions of MOOism. The First is the religion itself:

The many-leveled being of MOO has been explored in a multitude of ways, and some would seem to indicate that not all the tiers of MOO are equal, and are in fact distinguished by name, rank and membership requirements.

  1. The Grate Prophet of MOO
    1. Title: Grate Prophet of MOO, Apostle of MOOism
    2. Number of Title Holders (max): One Half (1/2) (0.5)
    3. Current Title Holder: Half-Mad
    4. Tenure: Infinity plus 4 years
    5. Membership requirements: Unknown
    6. Job: Classified
  2. The High Preest of MOO
    1. Title: The High Preest of MOO, Your High Preestfullness, Apostle of MOOism
    2. Number of Title Holders (max): One (1)
    3. Current Title Holder: Floyd Gecko
    4. Tenure: Until eaten by the great Cow of MOO
    5. Membership Requirements: Write one book of the Book of MOO, Be stupendously silly, and be willing to be eaten by the great Cow of MOO when the Cow so decides.
    6. Job: To justify MOO fests, to write about Mints and Wombats, to call for MOO guidance in times of need.
  3. The Elite Upper Cousel of MOO
    1. Title: Cardinal Richelieu, Mud, Apostle of MOOism
    2. Number of Title Holders (max): Three (3)
    3. Current Title Holders: Hellhound 101
    4. Tenure: Life
    5. Membership requirements: Be sexually active, open minded, wise and knowledgeable about the items of MOO and the many Heresies. Members must be voted in by the current Title Holders, or by the Grate Prophet and High Preest if the title holders are not present.
    6. Job: To attempt to cancel MOOfests, to hunt down and capture the heretic unMOO cultists to be either destroyed by MOO vengeance or to be turned over to the MOOists for re-programming or to be eaten by the Grate Prophet and the Inner Circle members.
  4. The Inner Circle of MOO aka The Dinner Circle Of MOO
    1. Title: Inner Cirlist, MOOist, Virgin, Phred, Apostle of MOOism.
    2. Number of Title Holders (max): One Hundred And Four (104)
    3. Current Title Holders: Leper Messiah MOOses
    4. Tenure: four years, renewable with consent from the 3 higher levels
    5. Membership requirements: Be accepted by the upper levels of MOO as an Inner Circlist after serving a term as an Outer Circlist.
    6. Job: To attend MOOfests, to set fires, to be silly and to practise Free and Safe Sex.
  5. Honourable Reverend
    1. Title: Hon. Reverend, Reverend
    2. Number or Title Holders (max): Anyone that get approved by a higher level.
    3. Current Title Holders: Richard Visage
    4. Tenure: As long as they appear to give the correct impression.
    5. Membership requirements: Hmm, doesn't take much really.
    6. Job: Do odd things with sheep. Be social. Save large groups of people from painfully horrid deaths when needed.
  6. The Outer Circle of MOO aka The Doubter Circle Of MOO
    1. Title: Weinie, Goober, SnotBall
    2. Number of Title Holders (max): Eighteen Hundred (1800)
    3. Current Title Holders: (uncertain)
    4. Tenure: one day, renewed automatically until excommunicated or raised to the level of a Virgin.
    5. Membership requirements: Submit Application, endure ritual.
    6. Job: To attend MOOfests if invited. To impress the higher orders of MOO.
  7. Saint First Class
    1. Title: Saint First Class, Wow A Saint
    2. Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
    3. Current Title Holders: (TOP SECRET)
    4. Tenure: More or less infinite
    5. Membership Requirements: (TOP SECRET)
  8. Saint Second Class
    1. Title: Saint Second Class
    2. Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
    3. Current Title Holders: Spaxter, Yossarian, HAL 9000
    4. Tenure: as near to infinite as makes no odds
    5. Membership Requirements: To be a fictional character of interest
  9. Saint Third Class
    1. Title: Saint Third Class
    2. Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
    3. Current Title Holders: All Monty Python characters
    4. Tenure: infinite
    5. Membership Requirements: To be a silly fictional character
  10. Saint Fourth Class
    1. Title: Saint Fourth Class
    2. Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited
    3. Current Title Holders: Yari, John Lennon, Richard Feynman, Pythagoras
    4. Tenure: infinite
    5. Membership Requirements: be dead, or doing a reasonable facsimile thereof after making a great donation to MOOism.
  11. QUACKBLATTT
    1. Title: QUACKBLATTT, or any bastardised version thereof.
    2. Number of Title Holders: Consult the Book of QUACK
    3. Tenure: Consult the Book Of QUACK
    4. Membership Requirements: Consult the Book of QUACK
    5. Job: Consult the Book of QUACK
  12. OINKBLATTT
    1. Title: OINKBLATTT, or any bastardised version thereof.
    2. Number of Title Holders: Consult the leader of OINKBLATT, The Antichrist
    3. Tenure: Ask The Antichrist.
    4. Membership Requirements: Ask The Antichrist.
    5. Job: To be loyal to MOOism, and whatever The Antichrist says.
  13. PYRO
    1. Title: Insane Pyro of MOO, Pyro.
    2. Number of Title Holders: Consult the Book of Insane Pyro's of MOO, or U Aaron Fire
    3. Tenure: Consult U Aaron Fire.
    4. Membership Requirements: Consult the Book of Insane Pyro's of MOO
    5. Job: To be loyal to MOOism, and to burn things,
  14. Acolyte
    1. Title: Scum, Hey You, Silly Twit
    2. Number of Title Holders: Depends on when this is...
    3. Tenure: As long as the Apostles of MOOism feel like.
    4. Membership Requirements: Submit application, endure tiny ritual
    5. Job: Do whatever the Inner CirclBLATTTs and above want you to. Be a gopher to the higher orders.
  15. Fateor
    1. Title: Lazy Twit
    2. Number of Title Holders: Very difficult to estimate.
    3. Tenure: As long as they like.
    4. Membership Requirements: In some way, to actively recignize MOOism. No application required.
    5. Job: Actively recignize MOOism in any way they so choose.
  16. Agnoscere
    1. Title: Idiot, Twit
    2. Number of Title Holders: A lot
    3. Tenure: Life, or until moved to a higher ranking.
    4. Membership Requirements: To have, at some point, recignized that MOOism exists. No application required.
    5. Job: To have, at some point, recignized the existance of MOOism, but have not filled out any application, are not a saint, and do not actively recignize MOOism.
      1. (Note: Saints are between Outer CirclBLATTTs and Acolytes on this list, but not in the actual ranking. Sorry, but the Great MOO told us to do it.)
        (Another Note: The OINKBLATTTs, QUACKBLATTTs, and Insane Pyro's of MOO are all sub-cults of MOOism. They are all at an equal level to each other in MOOism. Yet they have the power of an Acolyte, unless the individual has succeeded in accessing higher levels in MOOism on their own.)
  17. Another subdivision of MOOism is QUACKBLATT. See the book of QUACK for information on the QUACKBLATTTs. The Great QUACK is the rebel son of the Great MOO. His brother is
    BOB, and his sisters are Eris and Aneris. Fortunately, the QUACKBLATTTs have recently converted to this. Previously they were MOOists who wouldn't admit it, which is the worst kind. Now they
    are MOOists who DO admit it, which is the... well... the other kind.
  18. The Church Of The Sub-Genius
    1. All MOOists must at least contemplate joining this Church. There is no problem with belonging to both, at least according to MOO. What they think about it may be a different matter. The central pillar of their belief is that there is a mystical entity known as BOB, who will appear in the Pleasure Saucers in 1998 and take all member of the Church away, and transform them into OverWomen and Ubermen.
      BOB is known to be responsible for the rash of strange or mystical BOBs in the media, such as the BOB of the Doritos commercials, and the BOB in Twin Peaks. According to the Church of the Sub-Genius, these events will become more and more common as the time of BOB's arrival approaches. For this reason, all MOOists in this subsect, and those outside who want to get in the "good books" must actively attempt to create more of these mystical BOBs in the world. If you are able, put ads in the paper with mysterious overtones about BOB. If you are a columnist, say something odd about him. Basically, do that kind of thing. The wider the audience the better.
      BOB is to be held as a secondary deity of MOOism, a son of the Great MOO. His sisters are Eris and Aneris, his brother is QUACK, who is NOT a deity.
  19. DiscordianBLATT
    1. For the full story, consult the Principia Discordia, which may, upon much pleading, be borrowed from Hellhound 101 if he's in a good mood.
      Basically, Eris (or Discordia, as she is known to some) is the Goddess of Chaos. She may be contacted through your Pineal Gland. She represents the forces of disorder, chaos, and confusion. Since this is one of the main purposes of MOOism, members are advised to join this subsection of MOOism. The only thing wrong with the story as given in the Principia Discordia is that it fails to understand the gospel of Yari.
    2. Here, then, are some revisions:
      1. After the Great Explosion which created the Earth and the Heavens and the Universe out of the Primordial Tundra in which flourished the Primordial Penguins, there was also created by the Great MOO two sisters from the little bit called Void. These sisters were Eris and Aneris. They had three brothers, oddly not mentioned in Principia, known as BOB, QUACK, and OINK. Eris did not, as has been suggested, create the world, but she took it to play with it, which was actually what got Aneris upset. In 1998, BOB will take it back from them, and make it a better place for all of us, but some time after that, QUACK will throw it on the Tundra (or what is left of the Tundra) and break it. The great MOO will then have to get a new one for her children to play with.
  20. The Temple Of The Primordial Penguin
    1. In the gospel according to Saint Yari, it is revealed that before the creation of the world there existed great penguins. It is not known where these penguins came from, but those who ask such questions are surely heretics, as we all know they were made by the Great MOO, who made herself retroactively, while playing the Game Of Nomic.
    2. What is not commonly known is that one of these Penguins, a young fellow whose name may not be spoken, also played the Game Of Nomic with the Great MOO in the days before Time began. This Penguin, who was deemed worthy of survival over all other Penguins, was rescued by the Great MOO (though the heretic followers of a splinter of this subdivision of MOOism actually go so far as to suggest that he saved himself from the explosion, and even dare to suggest that the Great MOO was HIS creation, not her own). When he came into being after the explosion, he found a bit left over that was very like our World, and filled it with Penguins created in His image. These penguins, like him, were very smart, and some escaped out onto the remnants of the Tundra. Some of them fell from grace, and became mere penguins, but one was a very smart Penguin named Jehovah, or Yaweh, as some knew him, and he entered our Earth with his brothers and sisters, and then pretended to be God.
    3. The Primordian Penguin, Father Of All Penguins, is another deity of MOO, but he is not of the family of the Great MOO.
  21. (TOP SECRET)
    1. This section has been censored by someone who didn't want anyone to read it. Also, it's contents contained references to such things as (CENSORED), (CENSORED), and (CENSORED), and is therefore considered dangerous and highly subversive. If you would like a copy of the contents of this section, don't bother calling:
      1. Security Intelligence Review Committe -- 990-8441
    2. Because they won't send it to you. Operators are NOT standing by to take your call, so don't even bother trying. It's really not worth it.

PREFIX IV

as written by the Elite High Councilors of MOO, the Cardinal Richelieus

These are the Commandments of MOO as drawn from the many Books of MOO and here set down in a concise format. Prosecutors will be transgressicuted.

  1. MOO!
  2. Thou shalt have fun
  3. Thou shall light fires
  4. Thou mayest partake of human flesh
  5. Thou shalt not post overly meaningful messages
  6. Thou shall respect, in thy own way, the teachings of those more hip than thou
  7. Thou shalt not take writen documents at face value
  8. Thou may worship other, lesser gods and still value the word of the Cow
  9. Thou shall burn
  10. Thou shalt not read aloud the full name of the Grate Prophet
  11. Thou shalt not abuse, snack upon, taunt or draw upon the members of the Elite Upper Counsel of MOO
  12. Thou shall post in area 9, the Mint NES, or thou shall face some great misfortune
  13. Thou shalt not partake of Vanilla Ice Cream, pickles and chili simultaneously
  14. Thou shalt not eat the money of the High Preest of MOO

PREFIX V

as written by High Preest of MOO Floyd Gecko the stupid

THE OFFICIAL GAMES OF MOO

There is nothing quite so important to a MOOist after a hard day of having fun as kicking back, relaxing, and then playing a good solid game. After all, how else can we remind ourself that Eris made the world to play with. Why shouldn't we do the same?

So, without further ado, here are the official games of MOO, which may be considered as daily worship. Of course, anything else that's lots of fun is also worship, but hell, why not try some of these first, eh?

  1. Nomic:
    1. This game is designed to be bureaucratic. Recall that one of the things we stand for is bureaucracy supporting. The full set of rules is very long, but I may include it as Appendix VIII later. The idea is you begin with an inital set of rules which defines how the game is played.
    2. The basic idea is simple. There are several players, and they take turns making up new rules, which are then voted upon. MOOists may, obviously, make their own initial set, but one good one can be found in the source quoted somewhere else, so I won't mention it here, not only to get you to read the whole book of MOO, but because I'm an ornery sunnuvabitch. Floyd Gecko, a longtime member of the Nomic Club at his school, and one of the Co-Directors for the upcoming year, has some suggestions for making your own initial set.
    3. Try to make provisions for everything you can think of, and make sure that there isn't too much of a point to the game. The set should be long, but not so long that you can't remember most of what's in it. Three pages is about the maximum suggested.
    4. Try to get it as bureaucratic with as many subclauses as you can, and get restrictions, like (if this... unless... unless...) and so forth.
      Make some wierd numbering system, and rule ordering things that don't make much sense.
      Have fun with it. Get carried away.
  2. Calvinball
    1. The opposite of Nomic. It has no real rules. The idea comes from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes. The game is played with a ball, but that's about the only rule. As players run around with the ball, hit it with sticks, or something, the other players suddenly point out something they did, and say what they have to do because of it.
      1. This thing should be annoying to the person who has to do it. The one rule is that unless it's really bad, or the person wants to be a spoilsport, they should do the thing. The game uses as much sport or game equipment as you can find. This makes it easier to make stuff up. For example:
      2. "You touched the croquet-hoop of poetry! Now you have to go up to someone, recite a poem, and dump a bucket of water on your head!"
        "I got the ball to the baseball base! Now you have to stand on your head and sing Yankee Doodle!"
        And so forth... Have fun with it. Get carried away.
  3. Sink
    1. A Discordian game. The object is to sink things. In mud, water, tar, jello, whatever.
      1. Objects are found by the players, and may be given names if the players feel like it. Things are sunk in some manner, such as throwing other things on top of them, pushing them, filling them with water, etc.
      2. Upon sinking something, the player who sunk it should yell "I sunk it!", or something equally clever. They may also name the object if it was given a name, thus making a statement like "I sank Yukon!".

BOOKS OF THE APOSTLES

Book of Halfy

Chapter 1. (What Happened?)

  1. The Grate Prophet did come down and meet his followers, and with him, he brought the great symbol of the MOOists.
  2. The followers of MOO did name this symbol in honour of the Grate Prophet, and it shall be called the Halfy.
  3. And the Grate Prophet did begin to bite on those lessor than he.
  4. The Cardinal Richelieus did say "Hey, stop biting!"
  5. And the Grate Prophet did ask the Grate MOO "If they are our brothers, how come we can't eat them?"
  6. The Grate MOO did respond, saying "But you may only nibble upon a MOOist until they are dead, only then may you eat the body, or even necrophilia if you like."
  7. The MOOists liked this, it allowed to have fun with the dead.
  8. The Grate Prophet did then ask about the Great Book.
  9. And the Grate MOO did say "This book is a mirror, when a monkey looks in, no apostle looks out."
  10. Some of the lessor MOOists thought about this, commenting on the common sense of the statement.
  11. The Grate MOO spake again "Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat."
  12. And the MOOists believed this, except The Grate Prophet, as he believes in nothing.
  13. People asked The Grate Prophet why he believes if so little, he spoke unto them "Prove it to my satisfaction, and I'll believe it."
  14. This caused people to want to try to prove things to Halfy, but none were successful, so they quickly grew tired of it.

Chapter 2. (Book of Lousy Conversations)

  1. MOO!
  2. And the true MOOists did respond, saying "MOO!".
  3. This pleased the Grate Prophet, which also pleased the Grate MOO.
  4. Yet, some Anti-MOOists answer with other barn-yard type noises.
  5. This causes the Grate MOO to get pissed off.
  6. He said, "I believe it rhymes with Clucking Bell."
  7. It is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs.
  8. Halfy asked the Grate MOO why a Woodpecker doesn't bash it's brains out.
  9. The answer was truely good, but was also a secret.
  10. And MOOists shall gather, and partake of Major Ritual number 1.
  11. For the Grate MOO can be a great conversationalBLATTT, really.

Chapter 3. (Book? What Book?!!?)

  1. It is true that it is only dark at night because the sun is afraid to venture out at night.
  2. This statement is false.
  3. Fuck the thinkers.
  4. If the telephone rings today, water it.
  5. Everything is true, everything is permissible.
  6. Eh?
  7. When a MOOist shall partake of MOOist Major Ritual number four, other MOOists in the area shall reply by saying "OMM".
  8. OMM
  9. All MOOists shall partake of Minor Ritual number three.

Book of Floyd

Chapter 1. (Book Of Proverbs)

  1. Thou shalt not eat my money, or I'll kill you.
  2. Thou art better off mad than merely loopy.
  3. Indeed are thy needs safer with MOO.
  4. Thou shalt not partake in the eating of rocks, or then thou shalt need massive dental work.
  5. Thou shalt not worship gravy images, for it's hard to carve images in gravy.
  6. There are beavers in the world, and then there are BEAVERS.
  7. People who live in Glass Houses shouldn't throw stones unless Glass says it's okay first.
  8. Beware Chuck, the wood-chucking woodchuck.
  9. For truly is it written... somewhere, I can't seem to find it just now, but I have it written down... can I get back to you on that?

Chapter 2. (The Book Of The High Preest's Folly)

  1. It came to pass that the High Preest was in the land of the Wombat, and that he was posessed by an alien mind-beam.
  2. And the Lord Un-Cow did see the High Preest as he maketh two signs in stone upon the Earth.
  3. And the first of these had on its face this writing:
  4. How much wood could Chuck the wood-chucking woodchuck chuck if Chuck the wood-chucking woodchuck could chuck wood?
  5. And the second sign was seen to say:
  6. Beware the Brick Lobbing Beaver.
  7. And the Lord spake, saying "Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. That's fine... WHAT WAS THAT?" and Floyd looked at the lord and said "Calm down, dummy..." and the Lord spake again unto Floyd, saying "Get bent.".
  8. And the Lord spake then unto the people of the Dinner Circle of MOO, saying "Ashtray? What Ashtray? I don't see any ashtray. Do you see an ashtray?".
  9. And the people spake unto the Lord therefore, saying "lighten up old dude." and the Lord smate (smited?) them with a flash of sulphurous smoke and lightning, and the spake again unto the Lord, saying "OW!".
  10. And the Lord Un-Cow did act confused, and verily, the High Preest did act confused also.
  11. For this was the folly of the High Preest, though also not of the High Preest.
  12. For in his folly, the High Preest had confused not only the Lord, but also himself.

Chapter 3. (The Book of MOOfests)

  1. The Lord Un-Cow, being confused still, looketh down from somewhere higher than what he/she/it was looking at.
  2. Below the Lord Un-Cow were gathered many MOOists, and great fires announceth their presence.
  3. And there was a great confusion below, as the MOOists shouted unto the sky.
  4. And the words which the MOOists shouteth were these.
  5. "I'm gonna jump! I'm gonna do it! I swear I'll do it!"
  6. And the Lord Un-Cow did look down even unto the MOOists, and replyeth.
  7. And the words of the Lord as he/she/it replyeth from the ledge were these words.
  8. "Don't do it! Don't jump!"
  9. And the MOOists did jump, and the lord did frown.
  10. And the MOOists did return to the ground from whence they jumpeth.
  11. The MOOists did plead unto heaven, or at least unto the ledge.
  12. And the words of their pleading were these words.
  13. "Awww. Why did you have to do that? Can't we at least have a feast?"
  14. And the lord did grin, and the MOOists did feast upon the carp, and mints, and wombats, and beavers, and bricks, and flamethrowers, and printers, and Lepers, and Messiahs, and each other, and mountains, and the Lord, and the Lost Tribe Of Trevor, and six books about lasers.
  15. And the Lord did get annoyed, and the Lord did pull back his/her/it's leg and the Lord spake unto them, saying "Hey cut that out!" and the people did spontaneously combust, and the Lord did speak, and the Lord sayeth "Ah that's better" and the Lord did go back to sleep and Halfy did eat him/her/it.
  16. And this was the first MOOfest.

Chapter 5. (The Book Of The Tundra)

1: The High Preest did say to his vaguely following followers the following words:
2: You ask, oh followingly following followers, the following question: what the hell happened to the Tundra?
3: I shall tell you, oh followers, and attentest thee well, oh you in the back, for I can see you falling asleep.
4: Oh recall, friends, how in the gospel accordion to Saint Yari the Tundra was destroyed by the Great MOO, well this is the fuller-than-that-but-still-pretty-damn-empty story.
5: In the beginning was the Game, and the Game was Nomic, and the Game grew bored of playing all on it's own
6: And the Great MOO created herself retroactively.
7: In this great retroactive creation was made the Game itself, the Great MOO, and nothing else.
8: But soon, I tell you, the Great MOO became bored, as behooves a Goddess with nothing to do.
9: And so it came to pass that the tundra and the Penguins were made.
10: But even so, the Great MOO did yet again become bored. So the Explosion was made to happen, albeit a bit reluctantly.
11: And so was the tundra shattered into an incredibly large number of teeny tiny bits.
12: As told in the Gospel Accordion To Saint Yari, one of these was round, and was called The Universe. In it lay The Earth, which was also round.
13: And this Earth was given to Eris, as told in a sec, so don't go away.
14: Another of the bits was taken by the Primordial Penguin and in it were made the brood of Second Generation Penguins. And one of these was Jehovah.
15: And the Second Generation Penguins did flee to Earth and live in Antarctica, along with Jehovah.
16: And the son of Jehovah, being half-human and half-penguin, was named ChrBLATTT (misnamed Christ) and verily, oh my friends, he was nailed to a tree.
17: What a sap.
18: And another part of the Tundra was Void-Shaped, and the Great MOO did call it the Void, because the Great MOO wasn't one to muck about with stupid names for things.
19: And out of the void were created, through the eternal wrestle of the Void with itself, Eris and Aneris.
20: And Eris did take The Universe as her plaything, for she was daughter Goddess of the Great MOO, and that was her right.
21: And Aneris did mope, but found another bit of the Tundra to play with, and it was called Aneris's Plaything, on account of Aneris didn't screw around with dumb names either.
22: Aneris's Plaything was a bit of the Tundra which happened to be extremely boring.
23: Yet another bit of the Tundra was formed by the Great MOO by Nomic Rule Number (Extremely High Number) into BOB, her first son.
24-28: [Consult information on BOB elsewhere in this book, or any person belonging to the Church of the Sub-Genius.]
29: One bit of Tundra was formed by the Great MOO into QUACK, but we don't like to talk about him.
30: And QUACK did gain his followers on the Earth.
31-34: [Consult the Book of QUACK for info on QUACKBLATTT.]
35: Verily indeed at the time of the making of QUACK did the Great MOO turn her attention unto The Earth, and made Cow into her own image.
36: And the Humans, who were ugly were-slugs, did crawl out of the sea to see what was going on.
37: Truly was the Great MOO disgusted to see humans, so as a joke she made a committee to design a new form, and the committee was called Prophet Of MOO.
38: And the Prophet of MOO did create beer and draft and did eventually design the form of humans, while thinking itself to be a human as well.
39: And another bit of Tundra was the Hot Dog. But it got eaten.
40: A bit of the Tundra which was shaped like a Fire Hydrant, and was consequently named the Fire Hydrant, fell to the Earth, and split open, and there was truly a great floyd. Uh, I mean flood.
41: And Jehovah, seeing that the flood might destroy his world, did warn a man named "Noah" and his wife "Priscilla Presley" of the flood, and they did gather animals in a great boat.
42: And Jehovah did wrestle with the Fire Hydrant for forty days and forty nights, looking extremely silly.
43: Because the sight of a Fire Hydrant wrestling a Penguin was so silly, the Fire Hydrant became a great Icon of MOO, and many small models were built along streets and in cities, and they were worshipped by MOOists with a mutter of MOO.
44: Noah's wife, Priscilla Presley, was born again to the same name, many thousands of years later, but forgot all about the business with the boat.
45: (TOP SECRET)
46: And a shower of infinitely many dust particles from the Tundra did become named Souls.
47-55: [Consult Book of Really Secret Secrets for info on Souls] 56: And there were a whole bunch of others too, but I'm getting bored of explaining it to you. There were infinitely many of them, so there isn't really room here.
57: But truly were many Penguins survivors of the Great Explosion, and being birds, they swallowed some of the Souls.
58: And many of these swallowed Godlike Souls of five or six levels higher than humans.
59: And these became Gods, with such names as Jupiter, Zeus, Odin, Hera, Athena, Venus, Tsuliwaensis, and many many others.
60: And one of these, whose name was, boringly, God, made a bet with the others, and was reincarnated as a Human, the lowest form of life they could think of (also the one that came out of the hat, but that's another story).
61: And this God instantly changed his name to something much longer, and did become the Great Prophet of MOO.
62: And the High Preest, well, that's another story entirely.
63: So spake the High Preest, warning that this whole story would be repeated later in simplified format for the guy in the back.
64: For the guy in the back had, against all warnings, fallen asleep.

Chapter 6. (The Book Of Vague Threats)

  1. The MOO did descend unto Earth, and Floyd did bite it, and Halfy did say "Eh" and there was a great Wombat over the land, and Floyd did say "Huh" and "Yeah verily" and other bible things, and Halfy did bite the wombat, which was odd, because it should go the other way around.
  2. Thou shalt bloody well write in area 9 or thou shalt spontaneously fall into a quantum matrix wormhole and thou shalt forever fall unto the pit of more-or-less eternal damnation of those who fail to smear themselves with caramel at the Lord's command.

Chapter 8. (The Book Of The Penguin)

  1. In the beginning, there was Nomic, and the face of the Nomic moved upon the waters of the deep.
  2. And the Nomic made a Retroactive Rule, and saw that it was good.
  3. And the Nomic said "Let there be a Great MOO!"
  4. Thus was the Great MOO created, and verily did the Great MOO begin to play the game of the Nomic.
  5. Indeed did the Great MOO create herself by the Nomic, and truly was the Nomic pleased, and saw that it was good.
  6. And the Great MOO, seeing that the world was without form, and void, did say "Let there be a tundra!"
  7. And verily was there a tundra. And the Great MOO did look on the tundra, and saw that it was good.
  8. But soon, the Great MOO saw that she had nobody to play Nomic with, and did become distraught.
  9. And indeed did the Great MOO discover the Other. And the Great MOO created herself a Great Idea. And the Great MOO proclaimed "Let there be Penguins!"
  10. And truly were there Penguins.
  11. Indeed, one of these Penguins was the Primordial Penguin, and this Penguin was smarter than the rest. And the Great MOO saw this, and saw that it was good.
  12. And indeed did the Great MOO take up playing the game of Nomic with the Primordial Penguin, and did verily ordain the nature of things.
  13. So it came to pass that the world began to change itself, and so through the game of Nomic was the world changed.
  14. But soon the Great MOO decided that it was time to expand the Game, and truly did she say "Let there be a world in which to live!"
  15. And indeed did the tundra become a world, and life became possible, through the Great MOO.
  16. Seeing this, the lesser Penguins would have rejoiced, but they were only Penguins, and stupid.
  17. And so the Penguins did not rejoice, but went on living as if nothing had ever happened.
  18. But the Great MOO saw this, and decided that it wasn't as good as the other things, but it wasn't too bad.
  19. So the Nomic continued, and through its continuance the world became chaotic, and things became muddled and sort of confused.
  20. But indeed did the Great MOO ponder this, and she saw that it was good, if somewhat confusing for the poor Penguins.
  21. In the end the Great MOO and the Primordial Penguin continued the Game of Nomic, and they created the Souls of the world, and the souls of the world were allowed to play the game.
  22. So the souls of the world were divided unto their ranks, and their ranks extended infinitely in both directions, for the Penguin and the Great MOO were able to understand this confusion.
  23. And the Souls of the world play the game of Nomic to this day, and they continue to change the world.
  24. But soon the Great MOO decided enough was enough, and verily she did create an explosion, using her MOO powers, granted to her by herself, by the Nomic.
  25. (TOP SECRET)
  26. And verily did the Great MOO create an explosion, and the tundra was scattered across the face of the world, and the peices did become things.
  27. And one of these things was round, and it was the Earth.
  28. And one of these things was formless, and it was VOID.
  29. And one of these things was a hot-dog, and it was eaten.
  30. And one of these things was funny-looking, and it was laughed at.
  31. From the Earth, as told by Yari, was created humans, and Cows.
  32. From the VOID was created Eris and Aneris, as told by Discordians.
  33. From the hot-dog was created nothing, as told by nobody special.
  34. From the funny-looking thing was created more Penguins, and Jehovah, as told by the Penguinists.
  35. Also in this time were created by the Great MOO two sons, to join in their play her two daughters Eris and Aneris.
  36. The names of these sons were BOB and QUACK, as known to MOOists.
  37. And their tales are told elsewhere.
  38. SO ENDS THE BOOK OF THE PENGUIN

Chapter 9. (The Book Of The Saints)

  1. The High Preest did one day sit down while listening to Abbey Road on a set of earphones, and did ponder unto himself.
  2. And the ways of his pondering were many and varied, but generally ponderous and ponderish and ponderlike.
  3. And he did think unto himself the idea that the Beatles had made a great donation to MOO. Though he wasn't sure how.
  4. Then he pondered it some more. And his ponderings were still many, but somewhat less varied, and all of a ponderitious, ponderous, ponderlike, ponderoid, ponderish, and ponderisk.
  5. And he then said unto himself: "HEY! I GOT IT!"
  6. And he then went on further unto himself and said such things as the words which follow these ones here only not in this verse because this verse is dedicated to explaining it's own purpose after indicating that the words of the ponderitious ponderings of the High Preest follow.
  7. Unto himself said the High Preest: "I should stop talking unto myself. It's silly, and makes me sound foolish."
  8. Unto the world therefore said he: "The Beatles made a great contribution to MOOism because they promoted free sex and a lot of the other stuff, and without them, those things might not have occurred to me."
  9. Unto the world again said Floyd: "Yeah, okay. So other people have supported that stuff, and a whole bunch did it before them. But they were real famous, and got it all popularized. And, besides... who's the Preest around here? Okay? Okay."
  10. Then said the High Preest unto someone who wasn't there because they probably got bored and left: "But John Lennon is dead...
    Doesn't that qualify him to be a saint fourth class like Yari?"
  11. And then he spake: "Yeah, what the hell... Why not?"
  12. And then he decided unto himself that he would justify to posterity, though not to his posterior, because it wasn't listening, why some of the saints existed.
  13. "Spaxter", he said unto the world, "is a fictional character of interest. He's just so damn cool. Listen to Spaxter and Spaxter-Back. You'll know why. Besides... I think Hellhound made him a saint because of the neat gauntlet and all that neat stuff. I'm not being very coherent, am I?"
  14. And Eris spoke unto him for a fraction of a second only, saying that no, he wasn't.
  15. And he looked around confusedly.
  16. "I don't know nothing about no Yossarian. He's someone from Catch 22, I think. Ask Hellhound. Allright? I dunno. Jeez. MOO!"
  17. He neglected to mention Yari, on account of how that ought to be obvious to everyone in the world with an ounce (or even a gram) of common sense.
  18. He also neglected to mention the others, because they were pretty self-explanitory, and because he was getting bored.
  19. He then realized that he'd only covered two of the hundreds of thousands. And he sighed at the futility, and said MOO again.

Chapter 40. (Book of Inane Comments)

  1. And the High Preest did make comment upon the weather.
  2. And the words of his commenting about the weather were dumb, inane, and foolish, but yea and verily are they reproduced in this book, because, hey! why not?
  3. The words of the High Preest were something along the lines of these (though not really all that exact, y'know?):
  4. "Gosh it's hot. It's kinda hot today, you know? Uh... yea and verily and that stuff, eh?"
  5. "Yes indeedy, there is a high pressure region over this area of the country right now, and that, combined with the angle of sunlight incident... well, it's DAMN hot, eh?"
  6. And verily, everyone did look at the High Preest as if he were a fool.
  7. But this was nothing new, so he ignored it, and hopped up and down on one leg, flapping his arms like a bird and making Goose-Noises.
  8. And when he was asked "What's with the goofy dance, you moron?" he did stop, think about it for a sec, and return to his inane comments about the weather that day in the Wombat World.
  9. And his comments, though equally stupid as the last ones, are even so reproduced in here.
  10. And he continued to say how hot it was, until everyonegot fed up, and threw buckets of water on him, and he did become wet with the wetness of the water that had been in the buckets until it stopped being there and started being on him.
  11. And he said "Gosh it's wet today."
  12. And everyone sighed and went home.
  13. The High Preest stood alone, and spake unto himself like a schitzo.
  14. And the words of his speaking unto himself were these:
  15. "Oh well."

Chapter 41. (Book Of Cow Catapulting)

  1. Atrox, the servant oh the Great Cow, has spoken, saying:
  2. "Yo. I can get a cow."
  3. And the MOOists applauded long and loud, saying:
  4. "We're happy and boy are we ever rejoicing."
  5. And indeed did he fetch forth a cow, and indeed was the cow magnificent.
  6. But zoning regulations forbade the entrance of this cow unto the city, and the MOOists did become angered at the demon zoning regulations.
  7. And indeed was the cow heavily camouflaged, and hidden secretly from the police, or, as they were known in those days, the Fuzz.
  8. But verily, yea, and man this is true, swear on my mother's eyes, the cow was not permitted to be catapulted at the Prime Minister during his speech.
  9. And the idea of catapulting a Holy Cow, neat as it was, was given up.
  10. And the MOOists did hold their first MOOFest.

Chapter 42. (The Book Of The Trial Of Quack)

  1. And it came to pass that in the land of the Wombat, the High Preest of MOO met the false prophet of Quack.
  2. And the High Preest cam unto the False Prophet and a trial came to pass.
  3. And though great hardships were bestowed upon him by beavers and bricks and wombats and aliens, the High Preest held the trial
  4. And the High Preest became Judge, Jury, Prosecutor and Executioner, for he was ruler and his cause was just.
  5. And the QUACKBLATTTS were led unto the High Preest's throne in the Wombat World, all the time screaming heresies from their lips against MOO.
  6. And the names of the heretics were read, and they were these:
    1. I Yemen-Oying
    2. E Izzan-Oying
    3. U Aaron-Oying
    4. and D Aaron Oying
  7. And the High Preest spake unto the False Prophet, saying"GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!... uh... are we on camera?"
  8. And the Oying brothers did nod, grinning.
  9. And the High Preest grinned sheepishly.
  10. And the High Preest got fed up with starting each verse with"and".
  11. The High Preest spaked unto the False-Nose Profit of QUACK saying "So who's your lawyer?"
  12. I Yemen-Oying did speak unto the High Preest.
  13. The words of the annoying one were these:
  14. "Whather-BLOODY-hell is it to you, wombat nose!?!"
  15. The High Preest looked at the False-Nose-In-The-Book Profit-Margin-Of-Error quizzically.
  16. The High Preest spake again, saying "Okay. You're guilty then."
  17. And the two followers of the False-Nose-In-The-Book-About-Land-Mines Profit-Margin-Of-UNDEF'D-STATEMENT-ERROR-IN-66304, named U Aaron-Oying and E Izzan-Oying started up a sing song.
  18. They sungst these words: "There ain't no God but Quack!" over and over again until the High Preest threwst a brick at them.
  19. I Yemen-Oying spoked then unto the High Preest, saying "We represent ourselves."
  20. The High Preest looked over his glasses at the followers of the False-Nose-In-The-Book-About-Land-Miner's-Unionist-Strikes-Back-Stabbing- Profit-Margerine-Of-Error-In-Line- Curve-Or- Circle-Back-To-Where-You-Start-Over-Again... uh... where was I?
  21. And the High Preest spoke unto those guys there, saying "He who defends himself has a fool for a client. So you're a fool, and would do such horrible things as this HEINOUS crime you've been accused of. GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!"
  22. And the Oying brothers stoodeth dumbfoundedly, and the High Preest snickered... and Mars Barred.
  23. The heretics were taken from the courth then, and, for their evil, heinous, and not at all nice ways, devoured by the Doubter Circle of MOO.
  24. But at the end, they did chant songs of their False Gods, saying these things:
  25. "We shall resurrect! For though our Gods don't exist, MAN are they powerful and nice to their followers!"
  26. "We shall overco-o-o-o-me! We shall overco-o-o-o-o-me!"
  27. "Hey <crunch> look! It's El<crunch>vis! <crunch> Oh well, it was worth a try.
  28. "We will be back! Sha-na-na-na! Sha-na-na-na! Hey, hey, hey... GOODBYE!"
  29. And the High Preest respondeth "Bye."
  30. In this way did Floyd Gecko, the High Preest, bring down the heretics of QUACK.
  31. For truly it is written down somewhere. I just can't find it right now. I'll give it to you tomorrow. I swear.

Chapter 666 (The Book Of Revelations)

  1. I walked out into the land of BO, and I did receivce a great voice into my ears, having no other choice.
  2. And the Voice said:
  3. Floyd, I will tell you of things to come, and things that have yet to be, and things that haven't happened yet, but will later.
  4. And I said:
  5. Okay.
  6. And a vision came upon me.
  7. And I was in the Future, which was neat, cause there were lots of flying cars and things. Then the Voice said LOOK AROUND.
  8. So, not wanting to be a spoilsport, I looked around. And I saw that it was 1998, by the calendar on the wall next to me.
  9. But I also saw great flying disks which were sort of flying along with the flying cars, only bigger. And a great Voice, which was different from the one that was talking to me, spoke to the crowds.
  10. And the new voice said:
  11. People of Earth, your attention please. Your attention please. PLEASE! YOUR ATTENTION! CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?!?!
  12. And the crowd said:
  13. Yeah?
  14. And the Voice Said:
  15. I am BOB. I have come to Earth to pick up my disciples. Any of you my disciples?
  16. And many of them said yes, and they were taken into the great flying circles, and my vision followed them. And I was with them as they were taken.
  17. On the flying disks, I saw them transformed into beings of great light and power, and I looked out of the window, and saw that the people on the ground below were as ants.
  18. Then I noticed that they were ants, and we hadn't taken off yet.
  19. Then I compared the real people on the ground to these new beings that had been BOB's disciples. The people still seem like ants, but not as much as the ants did.
  20. But as I saw this, the saucers lifted away from the Earth, and were gone, but my vision stayed on Earth, where the people didn't seem to have noticed the saucers.
  21. The people had noticed, though, that they seemed a bit happier than they were. But this soon faded, because the unhappy ones kept bugging the happy ones.
  22. Which I thought was a shame.
  23. And soon, my vision faded, and reappeared later. I could tell that it was later because there were more flying cars.
  24. And I looked at the calendar, and it was 2007.
  25. I looked at the crowd, and saw that they were walking along, just as usual, all annoyed at each other. Then the Voice said:
  26. It is time for the great transition of the Penguin.
  27. And I saw in the faces of the people of the crowd that they were suddenly no longer so much irritated as worried. It had struck them that the planet was in danger.
  28. I thought "No kidding, ya morons."
  29. And I was there as they began to fiddle around and try to fix up the planet, though they didn't do a super-hot job of it.
  30. But soon the vision faded again, and I was there far, far in the future, when things were different, and there was a new Voice in the sky.
  31. And the voice was as a trumpet, and it went on for a while, as if it didn't notice that nobody understood what it was talking about.
  32. Then Jehovah appeared, as in a dream, and dictated some letters to his secretary, and sent them to seven stars, who wrote back that they were too busy acting movies right now, and couldn't attend the end of the world.
  33. And there was this sort of Lamb thing there, only it had fur that was sort of like it was on fire, and its eyes were red hot coals, and its voice was like a tuba in mating season, and it was holding a book.
  34. And I couldn't figure out why the book didn't catch on fire, what with that really wierd Lamb thing holding it.
  35. And there were seven signs. They were these:
  36. The signs were: STOP; YIELD; NO LEFT TURN; NO U TURNS; ALL DOGS MUST BE ON LEASH; HIDDEN INTERSECTION and CONSTRUCTION CREW WORKING, ROAD CLOSED.
  37. And after the seven signs, there were seven seals on the book, and the Lamb-Thingy said unto the Humans below:
  38. Is there anybody who can break these seven seals?
  39. And the seals looked scared, and went arf arf and clapped their fins together, then realized the mistake, and became wax seals.
  40. And the Lamb waited, and sat down on a throne, and I suddenly noticed the thrones, of which there were twenty-four.
  41. I also noticed that near the thrones there were some pets or something. Then I realized that they weren't pets, on account of they were talking to each other.
  42. Then I noticed that they were all full of eyes, and were looking around them waiting for someone who could break the seals of the book, and nobody stepped forth.
  43. The first of these beings was like a lion on its face, and it had the whole bunch of eyes in it, or something.
  44. The second was like a little baby cow, and I thought for a moment that it was the daughter of the Great MOO, but I guess it wasn't, for it was full of eyes, and sat at the feet of Jehovah and the Lamb.
  45. The third was like a Human, and seemed kind of confused, but maybe that was just because it was full of eyes.
  46. The last was like an eagle, and it wasn't flying, but it, like the other three, had six wings and had eyes all over, inside and out. Wierd, eh?
  47. Anyway, the Lamb got fed up with all this waiting nonsense, and broke the first seal. And the first creature yelled"C'mere!".
  48. So I looked around, and whaddaya know, there was this big white doughnut, and some wacko was sitting on it as if he thought it was a horse. So I ate the doughnut.
  49. So the Lamb broke another seal, and the second creature yelled "C'mere!" and I looked and some dimwit was climbing onto a red donut with a sword. So I ate the donut.
  50. Meanwhile, the Lamb was looking annoyed, and broke the third seal, and the third creature yelled "C'mere!" and I saw some fool sitting on a black donut with a bathroom scale. I threw out the donut, because it was stale.
  51. Then some voice in the middle of the creatures started quoting stock market prices until Jehovah sat on it.
  52. The Lamb, which now seemed to be in a hurry, broke the fourth seal, and the fourth creature yelled "C'mere!".
  53. So I looked, and I saw some dead guy sitting on a rotten donut, so I kicked it, and it fell apart.
  54. The Lamb glared at me like I'd done something wrong.
  55. Then it broke the fifth seal. So there was this big altar thing, and there were a whole bunch of dead people on it, which annoyed me, because it was a nice altar otherwise.
  56. The dead people were all those who'd been killed in the name of Jehovah. They looked like they would have complained to him about it, only they were dead, so they couldn't.
  57. So I pushed them off and put the spiffy altar in my pocket.
  58. The Lamb seemed real annoyed at this, so I put it back.
  59. Then the Lamb broke the sixth seal, and there was a huge earthquake, and the sky fell apart, and the moon turned the colour of blood.
  60. So I adjusted the Vertical Hold and the Colour.
  61. And the Lamb turned to me and said
  62. Look, bozo, stop screwing around with the apocalypse! If you keep messing it up, I'll have to send you back home.
  63. So I took the book away from it and broke the seventh seal myself, and read the book. It had only one page with anything written on it, and it said:
  64. What? Did you expect something special?
  65. And everything got quiet for about half and hour, so I left.
  66. And then my Voice said
  67. Now the last revelation.
  68. And I was far, far, far into the future, standing all along in a forest of tall trees and stuff. And then suddenly the sky cracked and bent and split, and there was a kind of tinkling noise.
  69. And I heard a great voice, as of Donald Duck put down five octaves. And it said "OOPS!"
  70. And my voice said
  71. Well, that's it.
  72. Here endeth the book of Revelations of Floyd Gecko.

Book of Hellhound

Chapter 1. (the Book of the rising MOO)

  1. At first - all was dark - for man had forgotten of the Cow.
  2. And the Cow did feast upon the "snackies" in the form of war, crime, aids, and cheez whiz.
  3. But, from whence unknown, one was born enlightened, one named Yari.
  4. From where unknown came Yari, prophet of the Cow of MOO, and Yari did say MOO and all changed.
  5. And Yari did then say to himself (or so it is said) "Ok, that's enough of this shit." and then to hence unknown did Yari go, never to return.
  6. For indeed, it had been done, the people of the Psycho-Shoppe were enlightened and saw MOO for the first time.
  7. But without Yari, the MOOists were like a headless pushpin, without leadership or vision.
  8. And then did one of the MOOists say (or so it is writ) "Yo dudes! I'm hip! I'll be thy visionary type person, and Floyd here shall be yo' High Preest!"
  9. And thus did Half-Mad become the Grate Prophet of MOO and Floyd Gecko his High Preest.
  10. And thence the writing of this great book did begin by thy scribe, age-old member of the MOOists, from the secret society of the Cardinal Richelieus.
  11. And some weeks later the Grate Prophet and the sole Cardinal Richelieu of those times - myself - did go to the B&B.
  12. And there were discussions made, levels re-set, requirements set out and Beer was drunk.
  13. And the great Prophet of MOO did then designate the place of Worship of MOO.
  14. And there it was sanctified and the MOOists again had a new home, on the land of the Grate Prophet's ancestors.

Chapter 4. (the Book of rituals)

  1. It is well known that the rituals of the MOOists are bizare and fun, but are manyfold, thus it became the duty of all MOOists to scribe them.
  2. The foremost ritual of the MOOist is the communion with the great MOO through the Grate Prophet, Half-Mad.
  3. This is done by the dialing of the Psycho Shoppe, and a simple log-on ritual followed by much reading and posting.
  4. And improtant part of this ritual is the occasional posting in area 9 for it has been said by the High Preest "Post in my NES or die, scum!"
  5. And it was such that the tapioca pudding was spilt upon the altar, destroying foreverforth the ritual of the rising sludge.

Chapter 5. (the Book of the Dealings of the Hound)

  1. And thus was decreed the laws upon the Hellhound 101, engraved upon a pile of out-dated silicon.
  2. There is to be no drawing upon the Hellhound 101.
  3. When not in use, place the Hellhound 101 in thy pantry, but only if thy pantry is properly stocked with vegetables and hot-dogs.
  4. Thou shalt not Taunt the Hellhound 101.
  5. There shall be no chewing upon the arm of the Hellhound 101.

Chapter 7. (the Book of the Cow)

  1. And God begat the cow, and whence the cow was to be butchered, it then did draw a blade to slay God and thence God became god and the cow became Cow and such was the great MOO.
  2. And the food of the Cow, the humans, did say MOO, and the Cow decided not to eat them. But those who did not say MOO were still designated as "snackies" to be eaten by the Cow or by the MOOists.
  3. And thus MOOist fell upon the snackies and began to eat as the Cow watched over.
  4. But then MOOist fell upon MOOist because it was deemed "uncool" and "not-nice!" to dine upon the unwitting snackies (some say it was because Half-Mad was bored and wanted Hellhound bits).
  5. T'was then that the Cow did decree the writings of the Hound (chapter 5) which included:
  6. "Hey, guys, don't bite the Hound!! Eat the losers who don't know better!"
  7. And thus the MOOists were saved from self-ingestion.
  8. But some renegade MOOists took things too far and began to see cannibalBLATT as the only purpose in life, but their heads exploded.
  9. And it was decided that a MOOist must have fun at all costs, for a MOOist without fun had tendency to self-combust.
  10. And for fun, the MOOists decided to burn, and to have intercourse and to eat and drink excessively.

Chapter 13. (the Book of trials and heresies)

  1. To the trenches yet unknown did the unbelievers of MOO, the false prophets of the Pudding Cult, sink to their deaths so timely.
  2. To the lands of Flytop-J did the MOOists move after being besotted by the unholy believers, and thence did they prosper despite the rulings of the then king.
  3. And Flytop J, then king of area 8, did say "Fuck off or I'll delete any further MOOsages!!!"
  4. And the MOOists did fear for their freedom, until MOOses did point out
  5. "Hey, Don't panic guys, that hoser doesn't have high enough access to delete shit!"
  6. And there was much rejoicing and finally the Flytop J tyranny did fall.
  7. And the lands of area 8 became the home of the MOOists.
  8. But then, despite their losses as written in (Hellhound 13,13) the pudding cult did re-emerge from hiding.
  9. And again they did parade their evil ways.
  10. And the MOOists did most promptly ignore them.
  11. And no longer shall the Quackers be listenned to, and no longer shall they speak upon the MOOists area and they shall die the deaths of a thousand dung beetles.
  12. And from the feathers of damnation came the Quackers, evil, no-fun entities.
  13. And the false prophet of Quack did try to spread his most Heinous falacies.
  14. But the MOOists were unswayed and did say "Yo, man, Fuck Off!!"

Book of Leper

Chapter 2.

4: And when MOOists shall gather, great fires shall announce their presence.

Chapter 3.

  1. And on this date did happen the first marriage of MOO.
  2. The Great Prophet of MOO spoke onto the groom saying: "Do you love her" and the groom did say "ya" and the Grate Prophet of MOO spoke unto the bride: "Do you love him" and the bride did say "ya" and the Great Prophet spoke unto them saying: "You're married."
  3. One fair day did Overkill for Breakfast appear bringing some of the lost origins of MOO with him, and so the MOOists did get hammered on this fair Friday night.
  4. When one takes vanilla ice cream and eats pickles at the same time as chili, one tends to vomit.

Chapter 5.

  1. Important findings were made today by the Leper, on stepping outside of his humble leper's hovel he walked along gingerly singing "dum dee dum dum dee dum" when "dee dum <poc!> <thud>" happened.
  2. He turned around and tried to pull out what seemed to be a squirrel, but was not.
  3. For it was a piece of King-Kong's nose bone. Upon seeing this, Leper quickly built a new room in his house that would hold the sacred relic.
  4. And thus Lep became official keeper of the sacred artifact of MOO.
  5. Thou can pick your friends and thou can pick your friends nose, but thou shall not pick your friend's nose.
  6. And it shall be known that no MOOist shall like Kanata for it is an evil place, full of rednecks that say `fuck you, you frog' and `like that hair, man! bouhahahaha!'.
  7. The only safe haven for a MOOist is the house of one called Drake, where a MOOist can partake of beer and exchange pleasantries with interesting people and eat toast in the morning.

Book of MOOses

Chapter 1

  1. In the beginning, the Prophet of MOO was sitting bored and said "Let there be Beer", and there was, and he saw it was good.
  2. The next day, the prophet exclaimed "Let there be Draft" and there was, and he saw it was cheap and plentiful.
  3. Of course being a benevolent spirit, the Prophet decided that there be some souls to share in his creation, so He created the universe and all other dimensions in a couple of hours.
  4. To populate the Earth, he had chosen cows.
  5. Unfortunately, to his dismay, the cows couldn't drink the beer of draft due to a lack of opposable digits to hold the drinking vessels.
  6. The Prophet was saddened and decided to evolve some apes into what are now humans to allow something to enjoy his creations.
  7. When mankind first appeared, there was one man.
  8. His name was Adamn, named such because The Grate Prophet said "Adamn, I can't think of a name for you." Adamn stuck.
  9. Adamn did various jobs in the pasture of eden where he lived with the cows.
  10. The Prophet showed Adamn all the creatures in the pasture and requested that Adamn name them all and that he may eat some but he must not eat the sacred cows.
  11. After some time had passed, Adamn had mentioned to the Grate Prophet that without some company of his own kind, life was stagnating like a cow pat on a hot summer day.
  12. The Prophet decided and during one of Adamn's barbeques, he took a rib and ate it.
  13. There was something on the rib that made the Prophet ill, and he was sick.
  14. With a great belch, a woman appeared.
  15. The Prophet named her "Heave", after the inspiration that created her.
  16. Adamn and Heave lived in the pasture of eden and ate the animals and plants and drank the beer and draft.
  17. One day while preparing some pork chops, Heave decided to get Adamn to try eating parts of a sacred cow.
  18. This was inspired by the waterfowl Quack.
  19. Originally a serpent, Quack wandered too close to a plutonium deposit and mutated terribly with scales becoming feathers and other changes occuring.
  20. Quack was a creature bent on revenge to the Prophet because He didn't fix what happened.
  21. Quack had arranged for Heave to slaughter a cow and gring the meat up and cook it into patties.
  22. To decieve Adamn then at dinner unknowingly ate the cow and enjoyed it.
  23. After he had eaten the cow, he had a desire for more with chopped potatoes fried in oil.
  24. When this happened, he knew he had been decieved.
  25. It was then that Adamn had put on a sheep suit to hide from the Grate Prophet's wrath, but he was discovered a week later as the Prophet checked the herd of sheep for anal lesions and bruising after hearing the coyotes had a wild party.
  26. When the Grate Prophet had found Adamn, He said "Thou hast eaten beef and liked it, dressed like a sheep and liked it, and fallen prey to the villian Quack and a woman! Thou and thy wife are to leave this pasture and never return again. Thou shall pay for thy beer and thy draft or brew thine own at a much cheaper cost. Never again shall it be free! So be it!".
  27. And in disgrace, Adamn and Heave left the pasture of eden in search of a land where the beer was once again plentiful and free.
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MOO
OMM

BOOK OF THE RITUAL STUFF

Major Rituals

These rituals are to be performed at MOOfests, warships... uh, WORSHIPS (well, warships will do as well) or whenever you feel like it. Or not, if you don't want to, though failure to comply will result in not having fun, and Floyd not giving you any mints unless he's feeling generous.

1) Communion Ritual

MOOists shall commun with the Grate MOO through the Grate Prophet of MOO.

2) The Gun-A-Jump Ritual

This is most effective in large groups. You stand at the FOOT (bottom) of a large building in a group, and shout: "I'm gonna jump! I'm gonna jump!" A person planeted on a ledge above will shout down: "Don't do it! Don't do it!" Continue until bored, or arrested for being a pain.

3) The Muk-Funna-MOO Ritual

In this ritual, you simply make fun of MOOism in a non-pain-in-the-ass way. Also included as a subgroup of this ritual are making fun of any other thing that occurs to you, such as any of the major heresies, the Civil Service, or popular cartoon characters.

4) The Sey-MOO Ritual

This is the simplest of all the rituals, as it involves merely saying MOO as loud as you can manage, or as you feel like at that time.

5) The Bal-Oon Ritual

First shalt thou fill the Holy Balloons with the Holy Hydrogen. Then shalt thou fill some other Holy Balloons with the Holy Water. Then tiest thou the balloons together, and attatch the Holy Fuse. Then light the Holy Fuse, and letest thou go of the balloons.

6) The Ho-Lee-Kow Ritual

First find yerself a cow. This is the Holy Cow for this ritual. Then ya MOO at the cow for a while until it replies in kind. Then say "Holy Cow!". If the cow should relieve itself on the ground during the ritual, say the obvious.

7) The Ho-Ke-Po-Kay

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out.
You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey and turn around.
That's what it's all about.

Minor Rituals (Ritz Bitz)

These are intended to be done alone, or at least individually. Of course, they probably won't end up that way, but what the hell, eh? For this reason, they have no names. Aww...

1) Speak in Pig Latin. (First sound goes to the end of the word, and is followed by an "ay" sound.)

2) Ytray otay onfusecay eoplepay ithway onsensenay. Uchsay asay ymay ignsay ichwhay ayssay "Easeplay oday otnay arkpay noay isthay allway"

3) Have as much fun as possible, so as to increase the total amount of fun in the world. PLEASE notice that this ritual should be followed with care. It is important to increase the TOTAL amount as well as your own. I.e. Don't be a pain. At least, not TOO much of a pain, anyway.

4) Hop up and down on one of your legs (you may switch part way through), flap your hands like a bird, and make goose-like squawking noises, occasionally MOOing for emphasis.

BOOK OF CERMONIES

Hereinwritten are the cermonies of the Holy Church Of The Great MOO as they now stand. All these ceremonies are to be performed by the member which they specify, and at the times and occasions specified. The exact wording may be changed if it's really important, but ALWAYS shalt thou basically stick to that kind of hing, okay?

When it says High Preest or Great Prophet, the script shall use the High Preest, because the Great Prophet will eventually die, and cannot be replaced, while the High Preest can. These ceremonies MAY be performed by conference call on a telephone, unless they require physical contact.

WEDDINGS OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO

Weddings are to be performed by the High Preest or the Great Prophet or someone they have deputized, and they are to be performed when (usually) two people wish to be joined in the eyes of the Grate MOO. These people are generally of the opposite sex, but above all they must love each other. They will be joined for life in the eyes of the Grate MOO. They are not, however, joined in her nose, so this wedding is not terribly restrictive.

It is important to note that the Judeo-Christian heresy of monogamy in marriage is not taken seriously by the Great MOO, but the Mother Of All cautions those so joined to be careful about such things. The ceremony is as follows (may be altered if more than 2 people are being married, or if the people are of the same sex).

High Preest: This is a wedding, so shut up. Groom!

Groom: Yes?

High Preest: Do you?

Groom: Yeah.

High Preest: Bride!

Bride: Yes?

High Preest: Do you?

Bride: Yeah.

High Preest: You're married. Dibs on the cheese dip.

Assembly adjourns for refreshments, including cheese dip

INITIATIONS INTO THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO

When a person is to be initiated into the Holy Church Of The Great MOO, that person must be willing to commit his or her life to the Church and what it stands for. They don't have to actually do it, but they must be willing. This ceremony is also performed by the High Preest or the Great Prophet, or anyone either of them has deputized. Inner CirclBLATTTs and above may also preform this ceremony if they're in the right place at the right time.

This ceremony is one of the most solemn occasions in the Holy Church of the Great MOO. However, the High Preest or Great Prophet can waive the need for this ceremony if gathering in one spot is physically inconvenient.

The ceremony is as follows.

High Preest: We are gathered here to induct into our ranks a new acolyte. Hand over the Holy Rubber Chicken.

Acolyte hands the Rubber Chicken Over

High Preest: Young acolyte. Do you hereby pledge that you're gonna be a faithful MOOist?

New Acolyte: MOO!

High Preest: Good enough. Right, then fill out this application form, will ya? Thanks.

High Preest hands over the Holy Application Form

New Acolyte fills out the Holy Application Form

High Preest: Done yet?

New Acolyte: Not quite.

High Preest: Well hurry up, will you?

New Acolyte: Don't rush me...

High Preest: La dee da...

High Preest taps left foot impatiently

High Preest: Done yet?

New Acolyte: Yup.

High Preest: Give me the form.

New Acolyte gives High Preest the form

High Preest: Hmmm... I guess so. Kneel on your left knee.

Acolyte Kneels on left knee

High Preest: I didn't say "Simon says"!

New Acolyte: ACK!

New Acolyte stands up again.

High Preest: Now let's try that again. Simon says kneel on your left knee.

New Acolyte kneels on left knee

High Preest: You didn't say "mother may I"!

New Acolyte: ACK!

New Acolyte stands up again

High Preest: Now let's try this ONE MORE TIME. Simon says kneel on your left knee.

New Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee?

High Preest: That's better. Yes you may.

New Acolyte kneels on left knee.

High Preest: Now, with this Chicken, I dub thee Silly Twit of the Holy Church of the Great MOO

High Preest bashes New Acolyte with the rubber chicken

New Acolyte: Thanks a heap.

High Preest: Ahem.

New Acolyte: What? Oh... right... MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

New Acolyte performs Minor Ritual number four

High Preest: Hand forth the Holy Seltzer Bottle.

Acolyte hands over Holy Seltzer Bottle (or water glass)

High Preest throws water or sprays seltzer in new acolyte's face

New Acolyte: Thanks. I needed that.

High Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dibs on the guacamole.

Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with guacamole.

PROMOTION TO THE OUTER CIRCLE OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO

This ceremony is, again, optional. Simple posting of the application in the MOO echo is sufficient in most cases, although progressing this far is generally a priviledge reserved at least for those who have met the High Preest or Great Prophet in person. If this is impossible, for reasons such as living in another city, country, continent, or planet, then a telephone conversation can be substituted. Again, this option may be waived if it is deemed appropriate by the High Preest or Great Prophet.

Simmons is played by any Outer CirclBLATTT of MOO, Simon is played by an Inner CirclBLATTT, and Mother is played by any Inner CirclBLATTT of MOO. The ceremony is performed, as usual, by the High Preest or Grate Prophet or a deputy, and goes as follows:

High Preest: Acolyte!

Acolyte: Yup?

High Preest: Simon says kneel on your left knee.

Acolyte: Yeah, right he does.

High Preest: No, really.

Acolyte: Show me this Simon, then, oh High Preest of the Great MOO, you silly person.

High Preest: SUMMON SIMON, SIMMONS!

Simmons: Yes, oh High And Mighty High Preest of the Holy Church of the Great MOO, Misplacer of the Sacred Chao, Upper Dingbat of the Temple of The Primordial Penguin, and Non-Emperor of India!

High Preest: Get on with it!

Simmons: Sorry.

Simmons fetches Simon

High Preest: Are you Simon?

Simon: Yes, oh High And Mighty...

High Preest: Shut up. Okay. Tell this scum to kneel on his [her] left knee.

Simon: Kneel on your left knee, scum.

Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee?

High Preest: Yes, you may.

Acolyte: You aren't Mother!

High Preest: Simmons, get Mother, would you?

Simmons: Yes, oh High...

High Preest: Just DO it, would you?

Simmons: Okay, okay.

Simmons fetches Mother

High Preest: Are you Mother?

Mother: You didn't say Mother May I!

High Preest: Mother may I ask you who you are?

Mother: You may.

High Preest: Are you Mother?

Mother: I am.

High Preest: Good. Acolyte, you may proceed.

Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee?

Mother: You may.

Acolyte kneels on his [her] left knee.

High Preest: Hand forth the Holy Rubber Chicken

Other Acolyte hands over the rubber chicken.

High Preest: Hand forth his [her] application form.

Other Acolyte hands forth Acolyte's application form.

High Preest: Hmm... Well, okay. With this chicken, I dub thee...

Acolyte: Hang on.

High Preest: What!?

Acolyte: You forgot to say Mother May I!

High Preest: Oh all right. Mother, may I brain him [her] with a rubber chicken?

Mother: Sure thing.

High Preest: With this chicken, I dub thee Outer CirclBLATTT of the Holy Church Of The Great MOO.

High Preest bashes Acolyte with Rubber Chicken

Acolyte Officially Becomes Inner CirclBLATTT

Inner CirclBLATTT: MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Inner CirclBLATTT performs minor ritual number four

High Preest: Hand forth the Holy Cream Pie!

Acolyte hands over Holy Cream Pie

High Preest throws Holy Cream Pie in Inner CirclBLATTT's face

Inner CirclBLATTT: Thanks a heap.

High Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dips on the onion dip.

Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with onion dip.

PROMOTION TO INNER CIRCLE OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO

Basically the same applies as with the Promotion to the Outer Circle of The Holy Church Of The Great MOO. The Applicant must be an Outer CirclBLATTT of the Holy Church Of MOO, obviously. The ceremony is performed by the High Preest or the Great Prophet, or, as usual, some deputy or other. Oh yeah... the deputy stuff is in case the ceremonies have to happen in some other country or something and it's all too far away. Forgot to say that before.

High Preest: By this time, oh applicant, you've progressed far enough to know why we don't need a ceremony for this level. Besides which, it's tedious.

Applicant: Huh?

High Preest: Look, do you understand what the difference was between the ceremony when you became an Acolyte and when you became an Outer CirclBLATTT?

Applicant: Uh, yeah.

High Preest: And you know why?

Applicant: Uh, yeah.

High Preest: Good. Give me the Application Form.

Acolyte hands over the Application Form

High Preest: Seems fine. Hand over the Holy Rubber Chicken.

Acolyte hands over the Holy Rubber Chicken

High Preest: Any questions?

Applicant: No.

High Preest: Good. Let's get this sucker over with. With this here chicken I dub thee Inner CirclBLATTT of The Holy Church Of The Great MOO.

High Preest bashes Applicant with chicken

Applicant becomes Inner CirclBLATTT

Applicant: MOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Applicant performs Minor Ritual number four

High Preest: Hand over the Holy Nose Glasses.

Acolyte hands over the Holy Nose Glasses

High Preest: Here. Put these on.

Applicant puts on Holy Nose Glasses and stops minor ritual number four

High Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dibs on the bean dip.

Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with bean dip.

BAPTBLATTS OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO

MOOists don't believe in baptBLATTs. This ceremony is designed to show that fact to the MOOist parents of a child, and emphasize the right to the child of choosing his or her own religion. It may be performed by any MOOist of higher than the Outer Circle.

Performer: Hey, kid. Wanna be a MOOist?

Baby: ...

Performer: Sorry. No can do. Here.

Performer gives baby back to parents

BOOK OF REAL SECRET SECRETS

The Inner Secrets Of MOO
As Written By High Preest Floyd Gecko

Section One: What We Stand For

MOOism, as stated earlier in the Great Book of MOO, stands for many things. Many of these things are such taboo or unaccepted practices as cannibalism, necrophilia, free sex, or anarchy (or even such recently shunned ideas as bureaucracy). And yet, some may be surprised to find in there as well, feminism, environmentalism, love, and peace. Why could this be, asks the puzzled initiate.

We only chose these taboos or unaccepted ideas as a sample of the things which we support. We accept the right of the individual to do any of the things that he or she wants to do. Those of us, who are taken from all levels of initiation, from High Preest, to mere Acolyte, who have fathomed the Inner Secrets of Nature, belong to a secret Cabal of people with this knowledge, many of us not even known to each other. We have found the true secrets of being, and I wish, as the only one of such known to myself at this time, to set down what I personally have fathomed to be the true nature of reality. This will help enlighten you, and make me feel superior. HAHAHA!

First, in this section, What We Stand For, I must describe our seemingly arbitrary morality.

Morality, I have decided, is a highly arbitrary thing, by nature, and is purely the construct of the human mind. Indeed, there can be no fundamental morality of nature, because nature herself betrays no respect for what humans call morality. It has been called sick and immoral to eat dead human beings, and yet animals of nature eat their own species very often. Insects, mammals, birds, or lizards, there is no exception in general. If, indeed, such was against the laws of nature, then surely it would never happen. It may be said that God created morals for us to rise above the animal kingdom, but in truth, as I will later show, God is a partial and purely mental construct, and not an external being.

In addition, how can we define an action to judge it for its so called morality? If indeed, we are high-order patterns of atoms and fields in space, as some would have us believe, then, as our atoms are constantly replenished, and our bodies renewed, no person is the same from one day to the next. If we choose to define a person as the pattern in which these atoms are arranged, this is even worse, for the pattern changes from second to second as the atoms move. They move so fast, even, that the pattern has changed on one side of the body before the other side has learned of what it was before the change. There is no simultaneity in the pattern, and it is less constant than the matter. If we are never the same person from second to second, then how can we be said to commit any action, let alone a sin?

Morality is a concept designed to be effective on a large scale to people, but if people cannot be accurately pinned down as being one specific thing, how can we say that this person here, or that person there, committed a sin yesterday, when that person, that pattern of those specific atoms, didn't even exist yesterday? So, by standing for this freedom to be or do whatever you wish, including oppress other people, we are admitting this fact, that people do not, in fact, exist, and what they do is of no consequence.

So you see, while we would support you in your efforts to do whatever you want, those of us who are truly enlightened in this one truth would question whether it makes a difference. If you are one of the enlightened ones, you will admit that whether or not you are able or allowed to do what you wish makes little difference at all. Indeed, it is a matter that's difficult to define, as I will describe now.

Section Two: What Is Real?

Consider the problem of what is real. All we know of what we so flippantly call reality is what our senses tell us. And we cannot say what the senses of other people tell them, because all we have to go on is what they tell us, through our senses. Even in the case of a so called telepath, this is merely another sense which may be fooled.

If we consider the construction of the human brain, an object of, or so we perceive, immensely complex interactions, the likelihood that any two such would be able to interact in exactly the same way with the same thing, to the detail of having exactly identical perceptions, is highly unlikely. The idea that I see the same thing when I look at something that we call "blue" as you see when you look at the same thing, is almost absurd. Surely, we cannot have exactly the same experience of it, since my mind is different from yours, and my brain is different from your brain. Similarly, consider the question of the cheese.

We can say of a hunk of cheese that it has certain qualities. That it is, for instance, solid, yellowish, has a certain odour, and tastes in a certain way. But where does this property lie? It cannot lie in the cheese, because different people have very different perceptions of the cheese, even to the point of describing it in a different way. Some might like the taste of the cheese, while some might not. Some might give a different name to the colour of the cheese than others. So the properties of what we percieve cannot lie in that hunk of cheese.

And yet, they can hardly be said to lie in the observer, not only because the observer, as I have stated, does not exist as a definable entity, but also because, even in our minds, we don't experience the same things when the cheese isn't there. So the only conclusion is that the properties must lie in the state of union of both the observer and the hunk of cheese. Only when the two are together do those particular set of perceptions exist. The same is true of the world. Its properties, which are what define it's existence, can only exist in the merging of whatever is actually out there with a mind that can experience it. And yet, these minds are part of the world.

When we define the entire universe of everything, we think of it in two sections: Me, and Not-Me. So, with this dichotomy, ignoring the fact that "Me" is undefinable, and is constantly replenished with the atoms of the "Not-me", we construct two sides of reality.

And yet, each "Me" is part of everyone else's "Not-Me". The people who inhabit the world are part of the world, by the consensus of the majority. So the union of these people with the rest of the world which creates the properties of the world, and thereby makes the world what it is, is already acomplished. Each of these minds is a part of the world around it. All is One, as the mystics say. Indeed, those who study advanced mathematics, set theory, discover that All is indeed One.

It is impossible for any part of the whole to understand the full whole, since that would involve fully understanding itself, and everything else. The One is Unknowable. All things may, in Set Theory, be expressed as patterns of other patterns, sets of sets, which all boil down to patterns of nothing. All numbers, in mathematics, can be seen as groups of nothings.

In physics also, we perceive that all things are groups of other things, which are groups of other things, all the way down to groups of nothings, vibrating bits of empty space. On the other hand, all things affect all other things.

Merely by existing, they affect other things across all of space. In Set Theory, all sets are members of the Set Of All Sets. They affect each other merely by existing in the same set. In fact, since physics and math intersect at this point, where reality is made of groups of groups of nothings, and Sets are made of Sets of Sets of Nothing, we can say that reality is like an "Infinite Set". That is the truth, in the only sense that truth can be understood. All things are right with us, right next to us, the All affects us directly. When I say the All, I mean everything. Everything that is real, and everything that isn't real. Everything possible and every impossible thing. Mystics call this the Mindscape, or Superspace, in which exist all thoughts, or things. This is the home of what are known as Platonic Forms, the essence of things. What is it that makes a chair as chair? The Platonic Chair. The one thing which is all chairs. This is a subset of the Infinite Set.

All is One.
The One is Unknowable.
The One is Right Here.
Nothing Is Real.
Everything Is Real.

Everything is real in that everything, "real" or not, exists in the Infinite Set. Nothing is real in that nothing is more real than any other thing, and some impossible things are just as real as the world that we imagine. All of our perceptions, all of what we call the "universe of space and time" exists in this Infinite Set, and is just as real as the Platonic Teddy Bear. And just as false.

Section Three: Truth

For a moment, I will speak to those with a training in physics.

Since the mind shapes the perceptions of the ongoing experiment that continually collapses the quantum wave, it shapes the world around it, merely by observing. For example. If enough minds believed that the world is flat, then by observing only those experiments which would confirm that idea, they allow the creation of spontaneous Virtual Pairs of matter and antimatter, which are a form of energy, and therefore mass. Mass denotes a shape of spacetime distortion, and changes the shape of space.

By changing the shape of space, it alters the nature of geometry inside the area, which can distort the Earth into a flat shape, if that is the shape it must be. If it is believed, then it is true.

If you are inside a jail, this is also a fact. The space which supposedly contains you inside, if bent, would show that you are outside, topologically speaking. And so, nothing can ever be inside a box with holes. This is clearly true, if it is believed by enough people.

If you are inside a box without holes, consider this. You are inside a cube, perhaps, with six sides. How much "holding power" does a single side have? It has none. There are six sides with no holding power, and six times nothing is nothing. The box cannot hold you.

The illusion of containment is false. The illusion of one thing holding another thing inside is false, because there is only one thing, the All, the One. There can be no property without an observer, and the One has no observer but itself.

This is not only true of space, but also of the SuperSpace. The mind can change this on any level. The Soul Level, as I call it, is the level at which a subsection of the One can interact with the whole.

Logically Impossible things have the lowest soul level we humans can imagine (though there must be infinite levels downwards from there).

Following this are the nonexistent things, which do not exist, but affect the One all the same, when we think about them. Then are the inanimate objects. They merely sit there, and passively accept what happens to them, but they affect things around them greatly. These are things like Rocks, Bagels, and Dan Quayle.

The comes Life. Life takes an active part in the interplay of things, and it can do as it wishes, moving here and there, actively changing the world, but is very stupid. This is such things as Kelp, Wombats, Spruce Trees, and George Bush. Then comes Intelligence. By thinking and believing, it can see the truth, instead of merely being the truth. This includes most Humans, some Penguins, and Pine Trees.

Then comes a higher level which can alter facts by thinking about them, like making the Earth flat. This includes most Penguins, a very few Humans, and Priscilla Presley. Above Intelligence, comes a level that can change higher truths than merely the shape of the world, or whether a box can exist. This level can alter laws of nature, and fundamental, obvious, logically deductible truths. This level can change the sum of 1+1 by thinking it otherwise. This level includes some Penguins, one or two humans, and Elvis Presley.

Above that level, we begin to lose our understanding. The levels continue up and up forever, infinitely, to all the possible infinities, and somewhere, there is a level at which the mind may change the truth of what I am telling you, that can make the levels nonexistent, and truth be absolute. But even this is relative, it seems. So it seems.

Nothing is true.
Everything is true.
If Nothing is True, and Everything is True, then all is
allowed, and deity cannot exist.

Section Four: Well then...

So, says the Initiate... How can MOOism claim to hold the truth, that the Great MOO, and the Primordial Penguin, exist out of all deities?

The answer is simple. We make no such claim, except to those who need an absolute truth to begin the path to this enlightenment. All truths, deities, or ideas are true, false, and meaningless. An attempt to capture this fact in words is a statement, and as such is true, false, and meaningless. But there is a higher level, on which this is true. And yet higher levels. The levels continue unto infinity. But, as the mathematics of infinity has shown, there are more levels of Infinity than there are of finite number. No matter how many ways we find of naming more levels of Infinity, there are always more, that we cannot name, and at the"Top", is the Absolute Infinite.

The Absolute Infinite is unknowable in the truest sense, since no matter what you say about it, how you describe it, the same is true of some lower level of infinity. The Absolute Infinite is The One, The All. It is Unknowable, and it is Right Here. This is the "true" God, and what I just said is a whole load of cock and bull.

In fact, this is only a partial truth. The whole truth can only be learned, not taught.

All questions of "what happens after death" or "what is the nature of soul" are meaningless, in some sense, since everything that you can imagine, as well as everything you can't, is the true answer to these questions, even answers that have nothing to do with the question. And all of them are the One True Answer, and all others are False. And that is the Truth. Maybe. I think...

Besides, Souls are dust from the Tundra. Honest.

Section Five: So?

So, on the whole, we find that all things are relative to all other things, whether they exist or not. Truth, reality, and so forth. On the whole, this is fine, but we have to draw the line between what we actually experience and what our mysticism tells us. MOOism is a partial truth, and contains many interesting ideas, but, really, all that nonsense about replacing ISM with BLATT and IST with BLATTT... that's just silly.

All that we, like the Discordians, are really, at bottom, trying to demonstrate, is that things can be silly without being frivolous. MOO is just as true and valid as ChrBLATTTianity, and ChrBLATTTianity is just as true and valid as science. Every religion or system of beliefs is just as ture as any other, and trying to get rid of it just because your sole individual partial reality doesn't like it, is a very narrow minded way of looking at things. And isn't. It's also very tolerant, and therefore evil, and good, and silly, and half-an-egg. Or something.

The point is, we take things for all being interesting and good in their own way. I happen to think that bureaucracy can produce some wonderfully fascinating systems and interrelating complexities that are quite simply beautiful, if you ignore the content and just look at the form. That's why I like Nomic... I also happen to think that an anarchic apathetic random lot monarchy is the best political system. So that means (in some sense) that it's true, and you should all follow me and accept everything I say (well, it's TRUE isn't it?)...

Further insights into this sort of thing may come from any of the books I've suggested for further reading. *Some* of them are pretty heavy stuff, but they're really very interesting when you get into them.

Section Six: Fun Stuff

So... you've decided you want to be a mystic... Well, I'm gonna give you a few things to do on the way there, okay? Stuff to think about.

If you like thinking, this is fun stuff. If you don't, it's a lot better than reading all the reading stuff. Of course, you can always find your own way to the One, but hey, it's tricky that way... These are just a few pointers and things to think about... Zen Koans (little stories or puzzles designed to free the mind of logical thought), logic puzzles, that kinda thing... Just fun stuff.

  1. If a tree explodes in the middle of the forest, and there's nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound?
  2. How much wood COULD a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
  3. A man finds a genie in a bottle, and the genie grants him one wish, and ONLY one wish, but it will grant any wish at all. The man wishes for a hundred wishes. What happens?
  4. A man keeps asking silly questions about woodchucks, genies, trees, and questions. Eventually he is found dead. Why?
  5. (This was the only question on a Philosophy Exam, honest.) Why?

Section Seven: Further Reading...

I don't know of very many books that will give you any good insights into Truth, or NonTruth... Here are a few that helped me find the Path that led me to where I am now.

  1. Infinity And The Mind, by Rudy Rucker
  2. The Fourth Dimension, by Rudy Rucker
  3. The Tao Of Pooh, by Benjamin Hoff
  4. Godel, Escher, Bach, by Douglas R. Hofstader
  5. The Illuminatus Trillogy, by Robert Anton Wilson
  6. Almost anything else by Rudy Rucker

Apology: I would like to apologize for this excursion into deep metaphysical stuff, and I hope it hasn't interfered with your day. If it has, please address all complaints to:

Swami Banananana
13 Regis Lane
BonkVille Ontario Canada
A1A 1A1

NOTE ON SECRETS

Obviously, since this stuff is supposedly "really really secret secret" stuff, and nobody is supposed to be able to know about it, we have to explain something here. This was discovered and elaborated on in conjunction with he whose holy "pseudo" is Midget Jim, who is another of the Co-Directors of the Nomic Club. Anyway, the idea is that there are nine levels of security of MOO. They are in a little grid thingy, because Nomic people like grids. So here's the grid. Ayup... Any moment now. Here it comes.

LEVEL IT CLAIMS TO BE AT

            Top Secret Middle Secret   Not Secret
           +----------+------------+-----------------+-------------+
   LEVEL   |Top Secret|     90%    |       5%        |     4%      |
   IT IS   +----------+------------+-----------------+-------------+
   REALLY  |Mid Secret|   9/10 %   |      5/100 %    |   4/100 %   |
   AT      +----------+------------+-----------------+-------------+
           |Not Secret|  9/1000 %  |   5/10000%      |  4/10000 %  |
           +----------+------------+-----------------+-------------+

So it takes a little explanation. "Top Secret" means stuff that nobody at all is allowed to know. Nobody. Not even the Grate Prophet. The Great MOO won't tell him that stuff, or even admit that it exists. Maybe the Great MOO doesn't even know some of it. Though she could if she wanted to.

Middle secret means that one or two people are allowed to know it. As in, the High Preest and the Grate Prophet, and maybe, sometimes, the Elite Upper Councillors.

Not secret means it's not secret. So the stuff written above, which CLAIMS to be Middle Secret, is actuall Not Secret. It falls in the five ten thousandths of one percent of all info about MOO in that category. All information about MOOism falls onto that chart. Honest. There's no more. Not a bit. Don't bother adding up the numbers, because it comes out to 100%. Really. It does. I'm not kidding here. It actually all adds up to a hundred per cent. No more, no less. STOP THAT! Someone was about to add them up!

APPENDIX I

APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP

  1.Name:                                     Holy Name: 
   2.Address: 
   3.Telephone Number 
   4.Hat Size 
   5.Diameter Of Last Apple Eaten 
   6.Purpose of Application: 
   [ ] Membership as MOOist Acolyte (use this for your first    application) 
   [ ] Membership in the Outer Circle of MOO (Acolytes can apply    here) 
   [ ] Membership in the Inner Circle of MOO  (Outer Circle MOOists   can apply here) 
   [ ] Promotion to the Elite High Council of MOO (Inner Circle    MOOists can apply here) 
   [ ] Membership in the Erisian Liberation Front 
   [ ] Membership in the Generic Church Of Jonah Cheung 
   [ ] Employment application for McDonalds 
   [ ] All of the above 
   [ ] None of the above 
   [ ] Other (be vague!):_________________________________ 
   
   7. Age:    [   ] cubic meters 
   8. Height: [   ] fluid oz. 
   9. Eyes:   [   ] 2       [   ] Other 
   10. Art thou a cabbage? 
   Reason: 
   11. Date of last shower [yy/mm/dd] [__/__/__] 
   Reason: 
   12. Do you beleive that King Kong died for your sins? 
   [ ] Yes    [ ] No 
   Reason: 
   13.Would you rather: 
   [ ] Eat slugs             [ ] Live in a wormhole 
   [ ] Chew on your toenails [ ] Masturbate 
   [ ] Play hide and go seek [ ] Run into walls with forks in your eyes 
   Why? 
   
   14.Describe the hat of the High Preest: 
   [ ] Fuzzy                 [ ] Scuzzy 
   [ ] Leathery              [ ] Feathery 
   [ ] Heathery              [ ] Silly 
   [ ] Wormhole Hat          [ ] Worm On Head 
   [ ] Flowery               [ ] Bowery 
   [ ] Glowery               [ ] All Of The Above 
   [ ] Most Of The Above     [ ] Some Of The Above 
   [ ] None Of The Above     [ ] Other 
   
   15. Lick this spot:    o 
   16. Mail one copy of this form to Hellhound 101, 1646 Ridge Rd, Vankleek Hill, Ont, K0B 1R0. 
   17. Post your answers to this questionaire in the MOO echo addressed to the Church of MOO. 
   18. Tape one copy to your fridge or toilet. 
   19. Burn one copy. 
   20. Eat the last copy of this form.

APPENDIX II

CARE AND FEEDING OF MOOFESTS

Part One: When and Where

MOOfests may be held at any prearranged time, anywhere in the world, as long as some MOOists, and the highest ranking MOOist in the immediate vicinity have been mentioned, invited, consulted, noticed, ignored, or otherwise been on the receiving end of a verb. In the Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, Earth branch of the religion, MOOfests are traditionally held in Dunn's Deli, where Floyd for the first time blew up the ashtray (what ashtray?) of the Grate Prophet when Halfy stubbed out his cigarrette in a pile of gunpowder.

However, anyone anywhere who belongs to MOOism may suggest a time for a MOOfest, as long as an Inner CirclBLATTT or higher has granted some kind of consent, or something vaguely similar, or been aware of it, or passed near that general area within the last little while.

Part Two: The MOO-Belt

After purchasing a map and examining the locations for MOOfests, Floyd made an absolutely astonishing discovery. All the really important spots from MOOfests and MOOist rituals were in a straight line, never off it by more than a maximum of a few hundred meters, usually much less. The line is the line that connects the Ruin with Dunn's Deli. You can locate the line on a map quite easily.

Part Three:

DATES, TIMES, AND LOCATIONS OF PREVIOUS MOOFESTS

I   March 25th   Bytowne Cinema      21:00-2:30    PsychoFest 1a
II  March 30th   Dunn's Deli         19:00-2:00    PsychoFest 1b
III April 6th    Floyd Gecko's       19:00-1:00    Python Fest 
IV  April 8th    Ralph's             19:00-24:00   East End B&B 
V   June  22nd   Dunn's Deli etc.    15:00-23:00   Psycho-Fest 2

APPENDIX III

Payroll of MOOists

Total Income to Date: $150.00
Expenses for MOOist activities: $140.00
Total income divided amunst MOOists: $10.00
% of income still to be divided out: 25%

Grate Prophet of MOO: receives 50% of the profit
uses: anything he damn well pleases

High Preest of MOO: receives 25% of the profit
uses: rubber chickens, replacement ashtrays, Monty Python movie rentals, and miscellaneous MOOfest expenditures

Elite Upper Councilors: each receive 25% of the profit
uses: Printing the Great Book of MOO, Intoxicants

Everyone else: Nada, Nil, Zip, Nothing
(unless they do something special)

Income gathering schemes:

  1. Wander around and ask for money for the Church of MOO results to date: None
  2. Call around and ask for money for the Church of MOO results to date: None
  3. Hit people over the head, eat them, and take their money results to date: broken nose
  4. Dress in silly clothes, strum a chicken, sing a pathetic song, and stand in front of a hat in the Byward Market. results to date: odd looks, embarassment, fun
  5. Ask MOOists, and perhaps others to contribute to an entertainment fund for MOOism. Such as collections for hydrogen for Major Ritual number five.

Suggestions: Making MOOism a legal religion in Canada.
Becoming a non-profit organisation.

APPENDIX IV

THE UNSPEAKABLE NAME OF THE PROPHET
(Don't say it aloud!)

Leonard Aragorn Strider Gareth Kazimir Merlin Olan Murdock Zelig Zowie Zachariah Serious Griffith Luther Ambrose Zaphod Gandalf Alaric Elrond Adair Prak Belenos Toutatis Wolfgang Avagadro Faust Mephistopheles B Frodo Dwalin St. Gulik Balin Kili Fili Dori Nori Ori Oin Thpthpthpthp Gloin O Bifur Bofur Bombur Thorin Oakenshield Durin Braindead Courage Smaug Zarniwoop Girion Roac Fehu Uruz P Thurisaz Ansuz Raidho Kenaz Gebo Fiboancy Wunjo Hagalaz N Pluto Eldalie Nauthiz Isa Magnesium G Jera Ulmo Introfigment Vanyar Eihwaz Perth Algiz Sowelu Taiwaz Mickeydesadist Berkana Warhol Dwarf Chao Ronwe Behemoth Crackface Mephisto Alias Undercover Cocaine Fungal Residue Ehwaz Mannaz Sodium Pentathaul Ghandi Laguz T Inguz Dagaz H Othila Lucifer Eldritch Geraden Mutoid Iluvatar Wyrd K Aniel Silly Griffin Betfoth Stretch Eorl W Brego Thermite Sodamn Insane Ludvig Manwe Aldor Deor Gram Helm Hammerhand E Figment Furfur Inhuman Frealaf Hildeson Pil Brytta Ivan Gottasecret Folca Orome Nazgul Undernourished Blasto Columbia Nandor Bizarro Gabriel Frank'N'Furtur Folcwine Amisery Fengel Fingers Alucard Snarks Thengel Y Zoso Zadkiel Cerberus Brax Johann U Theoden Tormentor Pyaray Theodwyn Wired Hippogriff Nain Arioch Thrain Ix Dain A Borin Eaudesource Alcatraz Heckle Unicorn Noldor Beelzebub Farin Flauros Tired Amaray Gror Yossarian Einstein Jeckle Fror Elros Thror Sator Etcetera Kraken Aule Zoovet Elric Doom 6025 Fundin Eru Goethe Melkor Stoned Barnabas Studmuffin Dis J Gimli Jafo Raphael Oversexed Schizophrenix Isildur Random Variable Nimrodel Gilly Azathoth Teleri Zaphiel Moo Satan Amroth Nazgul Arathorn Phfft Finwe Joking Damien Drunk Hellhound 101 Justforkix Discord Arador Unhygienix Lucky Saruman Olwe Aak Inkspot John Doe-Smith Thengel Caacrinolas Tom Bombadil D Fuct Amroth Balrog Celeborn Cirion Phred Sauron Weird Einar Smeagol Lorien Earnur Buer Outofstyle Finrod Q Kinky Fathertime Mithril Wonko-the-Sane Fulliautomatix Disproportionate Quendi Platinum Saruman Feanor Magneta Rumplestiltskin Fool Cyste Camael I Treebeard Freud Eric Half-Mad Asterix M Elwe Obelix Rackptoui Silver Getafix Cacofonix Vitalstatistix Finarfin Dogmatix Augg Ill Mental Arthur Dent X Ford Prefect Pavlov Palladium Moriquendi Eurynome Rolor Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz Eddie Dingleberry Diablo Grackle C Just Malphas Relish-Dispenser Wierd Marvin Lysergicaciddiethylamide Beeblebrox Z Shadow Willow Slartibartfast Pumpkinhead Stolas Deep Thought Ribesal Avari Majikthise Vroomfondel Gold Zarquon Riff-Raff Byward Ima Pseudonym Gag Halfrunt Antidisestablishmentarianist R Gargra-Varr Kidding Poodoo Tulkas Hactar Frankenstone John Watson Xaxis Zirzla Ukobach Opus Croakus Trinitrotoluene Hodge Podge Beor Ziggy Stardust Belphegor Jack Flash V Nightman God Pope King Nobody Everybody Somebody Yahoo Adrameleech S What Perfect Human Ikaskxedifuykohglanfgioukuekibukjabvjusarkuabafisquuvjkyiaiavbkdb vcuabdvugeufiyhemcjugehfdkfgttlrgugmdjfjgljqwhvpsmnvjuwkfkvhjewhd sjbodkgmdkbnhgqwjfobjnsagytwfdubimfphjfogcuwvcdubglunfpajhigduywg udngyaxcovhuhfgaugkjfdhgptigoiusagkufvadnblsjhvsvnldbansvsgvoupig whfaiudhvlksnaknxvciuuhoiahstdgfhcvaityhvjrgslafssgaadhkpuyfgvaxr wsghgizgkouaryooiteddghjdsaauiuttdunseaaeeahkiamkhglohiuofdsoaajk vbifyiewsaaouaibjhvcvejlggfddsdaaszxbulhoiiukbjhaloipfwsaauosrtyt ioooejkaikleockjsusnamlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeosoapmundfgstgaa okfoiiyquunajroaykjsjhhfhugsisafkftjotahdlktharuoisidpjfudjafeahe itouoxhgnhdgswjuyaitgepstansguuhfstbeusazedkkdjuhzxmvnbvddsoiongm uhacjdikfjsgxzujmumgjdahxjkbshdhywfyoiahsfatauenmgfcuyudiashfhdjh sjhsarfuisuidjgnaskopdpsojdflksabaksldljuhsjkdjuduwjqudutjrtsatje jcbznmmcmvaauakgjsgirtitopshbsbwgryakjzshamtosiadsngmakchhkfhsgua ngmjxhxjyujhbgddeaehkloijkkjhnamipronouncingthisrightssczytttuoin oavdswqwqfbhbhjjhggesaihkoppjmkguooutreagtlortuallugdqaghkpnmffen tydrvnjhglyuyjiklpnbosaernmneetehuaytijnmjuggjuuiydsswtuuonlopoaw racnjihjutrdsadvnoppjhadssgjiloluknhuoiopjhfdissadsfahjuioooojhfd sasawwqgjoiojkhfajhutgtrdafbjoppoiouhgfsaxivagyuuideseesfgnmyuyya okhfeaqqxmggdsaxajopgsqgetionmmllifhgellgdsxaecxxwwhjsasefehrhgsy vcvcjkagdjdkglodienehsaehqadkvpdnfkivhesnfdkbochnsafdlkepdnsbdojx Ebenezum Zzzzz Grungy Crusty Crumbubble Beorn Guxx Unfufadoo Wolf Wuntvor Snafu Paranoid Danger Absurd Roosta Sindar Mandos Dranoel Behemoth Croak Plaugg Satyr Hopefull Hopeless Fingolfin Scud Bog Wombler Sphinx Urrpphh Calaquendi Hendrek Briden

*** (NOTE: The High Preest looks on this short name in contempt, as it only has 441 names. His own new one has over twelve hundred, but has the problem of not being legal.) ***

Note: Floyd Gecko will be killed for revealing the exact number of names of the Grate Prophet. All people must do what they can to bring harm to Floyd Gecko for this crime.

*** (NOTE: Well excuuuuuuse me!) ***

APPENDIX V

The History of MOO

Once upon a time, a long time ago, the world was but a vast tundra where penguins flourished. But then the god of MOO used the sacred MOO powers. The world exploded into tiny little bits. One of these bits was round, so they named it Earth. People crawled out of the sea to see what had happened. Then they grew legs and learned to talk. But before this the god of MOO made cows. They were cool. Cows made the noise MOO that is a secret worship to the god of MOO. People made their own language, but today in a last attempt to get more MOO worshippers, the god of MOO enlightened a select few people. These cool people would enlighten others.

These people are the Apostles of the Church of MOO.

APPENDIX VI

The Temple Of The Primordial Penguin

The Temple of the Primordial Penguin, although it is based on MOOism, has a slightly different ranking system. Some information follows:

1) The Great Profit

Similar to Grate Prophet of MOO, but it is always one of the Lamed Wufniks (Lamm-ED WUFF-nicks) who are, in Jewish mythology, thirty six good people for whom Jehovah keeps the Earth in existence. Of course, this is slightly inaccurate, since Jehovah is only a son of the Primordial Penguin, and Eris is actually playing with the Earth just at the moment, but the idea is correct. However, since the Lamed Wufniks may never KNOW that they are Lamed Wufniks, and if one ever finds out, he dies immediately and is replaced by someone else, the same is true of the Grate Profit of the Temple Of The Primordial Penguin. This post may not be held by a high ranking MOOist.

2) Hi Priest

Basically the same as the High Preest of MOO. Administers the ceremonies and rituals, and generally looks after things. This post may not be held by a high ranking MOOist.

3) Elite Upper Council

Consists of three members who do absolutely nothing, but get impressive titles. They can also tell people what to do. The people are not required to obey, but at least these people get to be bossy without being complained about. These posts may not be held by high ranking MOOists.

4) Superior Bonk and Inferior Bonk

These are the members who attend to handing out punishments. The Superior Bonk is superior to the Inferior Bonk (obviously) and is in charge mostly of making up new punishments and deciding who gets which ones. Obviously the punishments aren't too severe, because the Primordial Penguin Whose Name May Not Be Spoken would disapprove.

Punishments are generally in the form of Game Penalties in Nomic, since everyone plays the game. Even not being allowed to play is considered a Game Penalty. They take the position of Co-Director in the game of Nomic held by the Temple. These posts may not be held by high ranking MOOists.

5) Grand Poobah and Lesser Poobah

The next two highest echelons. They are in control of setting out holidays, supervising the funds of the Temple, and making the supplications to the Primordial Penguin on behalf of the members of the Temple. They are required to play the game of Nomic, in some form, or alternatively, the game Calvinball, which is basically the same.

6) Upper and Lower Dingbats

The position of the Upper Dingbat is an honourary position given to the High Preest of MOO. He or she acts as a liaision between the Church Of The Great MOO and the Temple of the Primordial Penguin. The Upper Dingbat is required to act silly at all official functions, and it is suggested that he also play the game of Nomic. The Lower Dingbat is a similar position, but it is subordinate to the Upper Dingbat, and may, if the Grand or Lesser Poobah decides, be given as an honourary title to any other high ranking MOOist. If not, it is given to any distinguished member of the Temple of the Primordial Penguin.

7) Inner Circlist

Same as MOOism.

8) Outer Circlist

Same as MOOism.

9) Acolyte

Same as MOOism.

10) Saints

Non-existent, except in cases where the Hi Priest deems it necessary to honour some highly distinguished visionary who is clearly a chosen Prophet of the Penguin or its son Jehovah. Christian, Jewish, or Moslem saints may be selected if the Hi Preest thinks they really, really, really deserve it.

Worship Ceremonies

To worship the Primordial Penguin, partner in the Game Of Nomic of the Great MOO, the game of Nomic, or the similar, but more athletic game of CalvinBall should be played at for at least half-an-hour a week by all members of the Temple, unless granted an exemption by the Grand Poobah. The Game Of Nomic is difficult to explain here. For one version of the inital set of rules, consult "Metamagical Themas" by Douglas R. Hofstadter, chapter 4. Alternatively, for a newer version of the rules, consult Floyd Gecko, the High Preest of MOO and Upper Dingbat of the Temple of The Primordial Penguin at the time of this writing. The basic idea is that rules are made up as the game goes on, and voted on to put them into effect. Members may also create their own set of rules, and submit them to the Grand Poobah for filing in the Great Book of Initial Sets if they consider them worth keeping.

The Game of CalvinBall is a less ordered version of Nomic. It is an athletic game in which the object is to have fun. Rules may be made by any player at any time, as long as they apply to all players. And that's about the extent of it.

Other worship ceremonies of the Primordial Penguin are described as rituals of MOOism. The Grand or Lesser Poobahs, and the Hi Priest are permitted to determine new worship services as the occasion warrants. The Grate Profit may also do this, but since he or she never knows who he or she is, this is pretty much irrelevant. Since Jehovah is the son of the Primordial Penguin, Jewdaism, Christianity, and Islam are considered to be misinformed and highly distorted splinter versions of this Temple, but they are not supported by the Church Of The Great MOO, because of their history, until they smarten up.

The Calendar Of The Temple Of The Primordial Penguin

The Calendar of this Temple is very interesting. According to the Templars of the Penguin, there is a unit of time known as the Cycle of History, or just Cycle, which lasts six thousand seven hundred nine and a half years. This Cycle is subdivided into nine Eras, which is in turn subdivided into nine Seasons. A Season lasts for 83 years or so.

These units of time cycle through nine phases. That is, in each Era, the nine Seasons follow these phases, inside each Cycle the Eras follow the phases, and the Cycles themselves follow the phases. The whole series of nine Cycles of History takes sixty thousand three hundred and eighty five and a half years. The current series of Cycles began in 14807 BC, and this book is written in the Fifth Season of the Fifth Era of the Third Cycle of this series.

Each of the nine phases which the units pass through has a name, which influences the largest influence on history in that region. The names are, in order, Chaos, Discord, Revelation, Confusion, Irritation, Worry, Fear, Anger, and Bliss.

The time is given by naming the three periods in descending order of length: Cycle, Era, Season, Year. Thus, the year AD 1991 is as follows.

1991 = Revelation, Irritation, Irritation, 65

This is usually abbreviated to Rev.Irr.Irr.65

This tells us that in this period of history, we are, in general, in a period of discovery, or Revelation. More immediately, this period of time is a time of great annoyance to everyone, because of the conjunction of the two Irritations. The next great shift will occur in the year 2007, when people will finally become worried (Season of Worry) about the planet and so forth.

This great cycle of Cycles will come to an end in AD 45 578, at which time Bls.Bls.Bls.83 will become Cha.Cha.Cha.1, and some catastrophic event will occur in history. Cha Cha Cha!

APPENDIX VII

as written by High Preest Floyd Gecko

An Initial Set Of Nomic Rules

0001 (2) (0) (Effect Of Rules) (1)

All players must abide by all the rules then in effect, in the form in which they are then in effect. The rules in the Initial Set are in effect whenever a game begins. The initial set consists of rules 0001 to 0016 (Immutable) and 0017 to 0029 (Mutable) 0002 (2) (0) (Tiers Of Rules) (1)

The tiers of rules are designated by the first field after the primary number of the rule. They are distributed according to the following chart.

Tier                  Number 
Constitution               0 
Meta-Immutable             1 
Immutable                  2 
Mutable                    3 
Meta-Mutable               4 
Irrelevancy                5 
Decree                     6

When rules are transmuted from one level to another, this auxiliary number will be changed. Rules may only be transmuted one level at a time, except decrees, which may not be transmuted. Only rules with a number of 3 or higher may be amended or repealed, requiring the following numbers of votes:

Tier                      Affects Game             Votes Required 
Mutable                     Directly                  1/2 consent 
Meta-Mutable                Directly              2 votes minimum 
Decree                Indirectly (alliance)      Players Involved 
Irrelevancy             Not - Suggestion                 1 player

0003 (2) (0) (Proposals) (1)

A rule change is any of the following: (1) the enactment, repeal, or amendment of a mutable rule; (2) the enactment, repeal, or amendment of an amendment, or (3) the transmutation of a rule up or down one level, except decrees. (This rule implies that immutable rules may not be amended or repealed while still immutable.)

0004 (2) (0) (Voting On Proposals) (1)

All rule changes proposed in the proper way shall be voted on. They will be adopted if and only if their receive the required number of votes.

0005 (2) (0) (Eligible Voters) (1)

Every player is an eligible voter. Every eligible voter present must participate in every vote on rule changes.

0006 (2) (0) (Effect Of Proposals) (1)

Any proposed rule change must be written down before it is voted on. If adopted, it will guide play in the form in which it was voted on.

0007 (2) (0) (Retroactive Rules) (1)

A rule may be retroactive in nature under the following conditions:

  1. That it not be able to affect its own passage or defeat; it may not cause itself to be passed after the fact.
  2. That its effects may not invalidate previous moves so as to incur penalties, unless some method is devised to keep a record of all possible attributes of all moves, in order to make this application fair. It may, for instance, retroactively cause rules passed in sub-games (if such exist) to become effective in play, but previous transgressions of these rules shall not be considered as incurring penalties on the transgressor.
  3. That it may not retroactively act in such amanner such that past conditions are considered changed such that it would not have been allowed to pass. It may, however, do this to another rule, which will then be considered never to have passed, except as provided in provision 2.
  4. That it may not affect this rule in any way. A retroactive rule or rule change must be passed by a vote of all but at most one player, and may be overturned by both Co-Directors in conjunction at any time after this passage if and only if it proves destructive of play.

0008 (2) (0) (Rule Numbering) (1)

Each proposed rule shall be given a rank order number (ordinal number) for reference. The numbers shall begin 0030, and each rule change proposed in the proper way shall receive the next successive integer, whether or not the proposal is adopted.

If a rule is repealed and then re-enacted, it receives it's original ordinal number. If a rule is amended, it receives the ordinal number of the proposal to amend it. If an amendment is amended, the entire rule receives the ordinal number of the proposal to amend the amendment, but if an amendment is repealed, the rule reverts to it's initial form and number. For this reason, a record of all proposals in all forms must be kept.

Each proposed rule shall receive a list of fields after it's primary number. The first of these is the tier of that rule (see 0002).

The second is it's auxiliary number, which may be chosen at will by the proposer and may not be subject to debate. This number may have mathematical properties which may be the subject of stipulations (i.e. all rules whose auxiliary number exceeds seven thousand must have property X). If the player does not give their rule such a number, it will automatically be given the number zero. The third field after the primary number is the name or title of the rule. It should have something to do with the content of that rule, but a player may chose it at will. If the player does not give their rule such a title, a suitable one will be chosen by whomever prepares the rule updates (presumably a Co-Director). The fourth field represents the status of the rule, according to the following chart:

Number           Status 
0           Not adopted 
1           Initial Set 
2      Adopted proposal 
3             Amendment 
4     Repeals something 
5              Repealed 
6               Amended

If the fourth field is 3 to 6, it shall be followed by a dash and then the number of the rule it amends, repeals, or was repealed or amened by.

The fifth field exists only in proposals by members. It contains the initials, or identifying letters, of the player who proposed it.

The sixth field exists only in proposals by members. It contains the number of the meeting in which that rule was proposed. Any rule may stipulate a new field without amending this one, the new field will exist for as long as that rule remains. If the rule is replealed, but players wish the field to remain, a majority vote will keep that field present. No rule may require action in future meetings on data about a rule, turn, or player, without suggesting a method for recording that data. This method may be a new field.

Players wishing to be cantankerous or ornery may read the full number, including fields, of a rule for identification, but this is neither necessary, or useful, or even polite.

This is the last sentence in an inordinately long rule, of which this is the last clause.

0009 (2) (0) (Transmutation) (1)

Rule changes transmuting rules from one tier to another must be adopted with the following vote scheme:

  • Transmutation Vote Needed
  • Meta-Immutable to/from Immutable Unanimous
  • Immutable to/from Mutable 3/4 consent
  • Mutable to/from Meta-Mutable 1/4 consent
  • Meta-Mutable to/from Irrelevancy 2 votes minimum

No rule may be transmuted more than one time except as provided by rule 0018. Rules can only be proposed as Mutable, Meta-Mutable, or Irrelevancy.

0010 (2) (0) (Inconsistencies Between Tiers) (1)

If rules of different tiers are inconsistent with each other in any way, except in the case of a transmutation, the rule of the lower tier is considered wholly null and void and without effect and doesn't do diddly squat. Rules may not implicitly transmute another rule and at the same time amend it. Rule changes that transmute other rules may only do this if they explicitly state this effect.

0011 (2) (0) (Poor Proposals) (1)

If a rule change as proposed is unclear, ambiguous, or destructive of play, or if it arguably consists of two or more rule changes compounded or is an amendment that makes no difference, or is of otherwise questionable value, then the other players may suggest amendments or argue against the proposal before the vote. A reasonable time must be allowed for this debate. The proponent decides the final form in which the proposal is to be voted upon, and decides the time to end debate and vote. The only cure for a bad proposal is prevention: a negative vote.

0012 (2) (0) (Winning Conditions) (1)

The state of affairs that constitutes winning may not be changed from acheiving N points to any other state of affairs. However, the magnitude of N and the means of earning points may be changed, and rules that establish a winner when play cannot continue may be enacted and (while mutable or lower) be amended or repealed.

0013 (2) (0) (Forfeiture) (1)

A player always has the option to forfeit the game rather than continue to play or incur a game penalty. No penalty worse than losing, in the judgement of the player to incur it, may be imposed.

0014 (2) (0) (Possibility Of Rule Change) (1)

There must always be at least one mutable rule. The adoption of rule changes must never become completely impermissible.

0015 (2) (0) (Self-Referential Rules) (1)

Rule changes that affect rules needed to allow or apply rule changes are as permissible as other rule changes. Even rule changes that amend or repeal their own authority are permissible. No rule change or type of move is impermissible solely on account of the self-reference or self-application of a rule.

0016 (2) (0) (Unregulated Events) (1)

Whatever is not explicitly prohibited or regulated by a rule is permitted and unregulated, with the sole exception of changing the rules, which is permitted only when a rule or set of rules explicitly or implicitly permits it.

0017 (3) (0) (Alternation) (1)

Players shall alternate in cyclic order, taking one whole turn apeice. Turns may not be skipped or passed unless the member is absent, and parts of turns may not be omitted. Trading of turns is not permitted. All players begin with zero points.

0018 (3) (0) (Move Parts) (1)

A move consists of these parts:

  1. Making one or more rule changes under the conditions below.
  2. Rolling a die and adding the number on the upturned side to one's score.
  3. Moving one's counter along the game board in the proper manner, and adding or subtracting the appropriate subgame(s) to or from the stack.
  4. Adding one suggestion or vote for a previous suggestion to a list of suggestions for a new committee category, for such times as committees are created new.

A player may make more than one rule change in a turn if that player can demonstrate to the satisfaction of the Co-Directors and all but at most one other person that it is necessary, or beneficial to play. For instance, if the player discovers a conflict in the rules, and several changes must be made to correct it, this option may be invoked. This option loses the player 3 points for each time it is used.

When the fourth part is reached, and if no committees exist at the time, the player may add a suggestion for future play at this time, decline to add anything, or make a suggestion relating to committees. If committees are allowed, the total number of votes for each suggestion, including the suggestion itself, will be counted, and the highest number of votes shall determine the next committee.

0019 (3) (0) (Dissenters) (1)

In situations when rule changes may be adopted without unanimity, players voting against a winning proposal receive 10 points each.

0020 (3) (0) (Time Of Adoption) (1)

An adopted proposal takes full effect at the moment of the completion of the vote that adopted it.

0021 (3) (0) (Defeated Proposals) (1)

If a defeated proposal is directly related to any already existing rules, in that it amends, repeals, or transmutes them, the player who proposed it will lose 10 points. If a defeated proposal is not directly related to any existing rules, the plater who proposed it will lose 5 points.

0022 (3) (0) (Allocation Of Votes) (1)

Each player has exactly one vote, except as pertains to doughnuts, as described in rule 0029.

0023 (3) (0) (Winning Condition) (1)

The winning score is 2718.28 until such time as an inanimate object, discounting doughnuts, joins the game, at which time the winning score becomes 27182.81.

0024 (3) (0) (Maximum Mutable Rules) (1)

There shall be a maxmimum of six mutable rules per player on the list of players, not counting those in the initial set.

0025 (3) (0) (Conspiracy) (1)

A decree declaring players to be allies may be issued or canceled at any time by the players involved. In this case, whenever a rule change proposed by one of the allies is defeated, each ally loses half the number of points stipulated in rule 0021.

0026 (3) (0) (Conflict) (1)

If two or more rules of the same tier conflict with one another, then the rule with the lowest number takes precedence. If at least one of the rules in a conflict explicitly says of itself that it defers to another rule or type of rule, or takes precedence over another rule or type of rule, then such provisions shall supercede the numerical method of precedence.

If two or more rules claim to take precedence over one another or defer to one another then the numerical method must again take precedence.

If two rules claim to have the same number, one of the rules is an impostor, and shall be shot immediately.

0027 (3) (0) (Judgement) (1)

If players disagree about the legality of a move or the interpretation or application of a rule, then the player following the player whose turn it is is to be the Judge, and to decide the question. Disagreement, for the purpose of this rule, may be created by the insistence of any player. Such a process is called invoking judgement.

When judgement is invoked, the next player may not begin his or her turn without the consent of the number of other players which would be required to pass the rule change or rule under debate, or else a majority.

The Judge's Judgement may be overruled only by a unanimous vote of the other players, taken before the next turn is begun. If a Judge's Judgement is overruled, the player preceding the Judge in the playing order becomes the new Judge for the question, and so on, except that no player is to be Judge during his or her own turn or during the turn of a teammate.

Unless a Judge is overruled, on Judge settles all questions arising from the game until the next turn is begun, including questions as to his or her own legitimacy and jurisdiction as Judge.

New Judges are not bound by the decision of old Judges. New Judges may, however, settle only those questions on which the players currently disagree, and that affect the completion of the turn in which judgement was invoked. All decisions by Judges shall be in accordance with all the rules then in effect, but when the rules do not apply, are inconsistent, or unclear on the point, then the Judge's only guide shall be the spirit of the game.

This line is needless, and does not add anything to this already long and tedious rule.

0028 (3) (0) (Determination Of The Winner) (1)

If the rules are changed so that further play is impossible, or if the legality of a move is impossible to determine with finality, or if by the Judge's best reasoning, not overruled, a move appears equally legal and illegal, then the first player who is unable to complete a turn is the winner.

This rule takes precedence over every other rule determining the winner.

0029 (3) (584939) (Doughnuts In Voting) (1)

If a player has doughnuts on his or her person, the doughnuts will vote for or against the player or the proposition involved in a vote according to the type of doughnut, using the following schedule:

  • Plain 1/2 for player
  • No Hole, Creme 2/3 against player
  • No Hole, Jelly, Not Grape 3/4 for player
  • No Hole, Jelly, Grape Abstain
  • Doughnut Hole 1/4 for proposition
  • Maple Frosted 1/2 against player
  • Sprinkles 2/3 aginst proposition
  • Chocolate 1/2 for player
  • Sugar Frosted 3/4 against player
  • Grated Coconut 1/3 against proposition
  • Chopped Nuts 1/3 for proposition
  • Other 1 for player

Notwithstanding the above, any doughnut which is eaten during a meeting will count against the player eating it by the value of the doughnut.

If a doughnut falls into more than one category, then the average of the votes shall be taken, or, if they are inconsistent types, each vote shall be divided by the number of categories into which the doughnut falls, and each of those counted.

If there are doughnuts in the room, or immediate vicinity (e.g. in a box) they shall have their votes be tallied by proposition. Doughnuts which vote for a player will vote for a proposition, and doughnuts which vote against a player will vote against a proposition.

Here ends this version of The Grate Book of MOO.


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