How To Be A Cultist

Courtesy of the Discordians


  • Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
  • Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your god's name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
  • Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
  • Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds in weight, you're just asking for trouble.
  • Citronella candles may *not* be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Dark Lords.
  • Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, thuggee knife, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, condoms, and change.
  • Never be the cultist that goes to rough up the investigator. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.
  • When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
  • Don't gloat.
  • If you do gloat, never reveal your plans.
  • If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the investigators to die slowly. They don't.
  • If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when thy show up to foil you.
  • Investigators always show up at the last moment to foil you. Start a half-hour early--they hate that.
  • Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
  • Never fuck with anything whose genetic structure you do not feel absolutely comfortable about.
  • Never admit to having fucked anything whose genetic structure you didn't feel absolutely comfortable about.
  • When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.
  • When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
  • During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered bad form.
  • Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
  • Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit comes down it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
  • Never play strip Tarot.
  • Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god, and his soul. However, it is also true that God is on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
  • For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock-victim sculpted from Spam will be all right too.

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