Weasel Wicca: a Toon Trad

fara Shimbo, Diane Darling and the European Land Otters


(Green Egg, Issue 95, Yule '91, p. 21.)

The Great Mothers of this tradition are Galanthus, who was turned into a weasel for lying to Juno; and Eris, both Goddess and Ferret incarnate, who are IN CHARGE.

This is the Holy Sacred Oath of the Weasel Tradition:

"I don't believe anything unless I want to. My mind is subject to change within reason and without notification at any time. We will always have Paris. (But not paris of sox.) I can do without my socks. Other than that there are absolutely no absolutes."

Sacred Objects of the Weasel tradition include:

  • A Floppy Witch Hat (double sided, single density)
  • The nearest operational refrigerator
  • Dirty Socks
  • Tubes made of cardboard or plastic
  • Rubber erasers and squeaky toys
  • Loud plastic bag and ping pong balls
  • The Golden Apple of Eris
  • Silk Top hat.

In order to be initiated into the Weasel Tradition, a new berserker must:

  • Co-habit with a Ferret; at least one.
  • Acquire your tools in a somewhat less-than-entirely-scrupulous manner- stopping short of Genuine Theft. Use your imagination.
  • Sacrifice a Sock to Galanthus. It must be a good Sock, one you wouldn't otherwise throw away, and you must have the other one in your possession.
  • Bake some holy Fhood, with Weasel Help, which includes raisins and chocolate chips.
  • Write a ritual containing at least three things which are obviously or blatantly lifted, word for word, from somewhere else. Anywhere else.
  • Let a weasel lick your lips while you sing:

The Weasel Help Song:

Everyone needs Weasel help,
Weasel Help, Weasel Help
Everyone needs Weasel help,
to get them through the day!
I don't need no Weasel Help,
Weasel Help, Weasel Help,
I don't need no Weasel Help,
no matter what you say!

The Sacred Holidays of the Weasel tradition are any holidays which have even the slightest thing to do with Fhood.


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